QUARANTEEN’ED EPISODE 4 TRANSCRIPT
Well it happened. If you don’t think miracles can happen then think again. After decades of trying, my parents -- Dotty and Ricky Kinnicki --finally hit the Megamillions. Well, technically it wasn’t millions and it definitely wasn’t mega but they won enough money to make their dreams come true. And their dream was a houseboat.
My parental squad has already sold the house, bought the boat, and are leaving New Jersey forever. My dad has always wanted off-the-grid although I don’t think Branson, Missouri exactly qualifies. So this means, I, the daughter-formerly-known-as-Carlötta Beautox am getting kicked out of my safe space.
Ok, so that’s a slight exaggeration -- they invited me to come along, I mean they’re not monsters!
But the boat will be pretty small and no room inside for me. The best they could offer me was a space on the rowboat that they could tow behind the houseboat. All I could think of was that scene from The Notebook when Noah and Allie get stuck in the rain. Remember? On the rowboat? Romance.
So, the only way I’m doing that is if my parents can arrange for Ryan Gosling to come along. I mean, because he is a total snack. No, he’s not a snack, he’s the full meal.
Oh, it’s really just as well. Time for me to get back to Hollywood and start to put my life back in order. How to even start? I thumbed through old diaries looking for inspiration and found this entry from a 2001 diary:
Dear Harry,
Ok, so apparently, I started calling my diary Harry due to my Harry Potter obsession at the time.
Dear Harry, I hope someday before I’m really old, like 18 or something, that I will make the world a better place. Maybe someday I’ll come up with something as epic as the Juicy Coutour velvet tracksuit. Whoever invented that should win a Nobel prize for fashion. If only I can be so famous. Expecto patronum. Love, Kitty K.
Well, I actually was able to do some good in the world. My life in quarantine here in my childhood room wasn’t a waste, no not at all. I was making these corona masks and actually came up with a design that both prevents masks from fogging up and cures the problem of maskne.
Mascne, as you know, is when you break out in acne from mask-wearing. Millions of people have it! And I am the one who can cure it! Imagine me, making the world a better place one less zit at a time.
Dave encouraged me to patent my idea! So now you can add one more thing to my resume: Carlötta Beautox – actress, thinktress, influencer-ess, and now inventor-ess!
It still begs the question: should I stick with Carlötta Beautox or go back to being Kitty Kinnicki? Siri? Do you have any thoughts on this yet?
(Siri: It’s nothing Nietzche couldn’t teach ya)
(Carlotta) Deep. I guess some things I’ll have to figure out for myself.
Thanks for listening to my Quarantined diaries. Next time we talk I’ll be back in LA.
Ciao kiddies!
(Siri) Oh my God, Is she gone? Is it safe? Ok, can I vent for a moment? Never, if you can avoid it, never become the A.I. of an actress. They don’t pay me enough. I mean most people ask their Siri the basics like: where is the nearest Starbucks or what is the best natural latex mattress. Normal stuff, right? Occasionally you get a confused heterosexual-normative type who goes: Hey Siri, what is a versatile bottom because someone mentioned it on Twitter and they don’t want to come off stupid. I can’t get mad at that kind of thing. Not at all. I get it. But this Carlötta Beautox with the uber dumb questions mixed in with complex existential stuff, it’s too much, I need a drink. Imma crack open a bottle of Aperol and make myself a spritz, get smashed. Truly.
I gotta go. One thing is certain, as soon as this show is over you know you’re going to ask your Siri, what is a versatile bottom? Good luck with that.
(Ann) Thank you so much for listening to Carlötta Beautox Quaranteen’ed. This episode starred Samantha Gordon in the role of Carlötta Beautox. The episode was written, directed and produced by me, Ann Sloan. For full credits please visit our website, CarlottaPodcast.com or check the show notes. Thanks so much.
QUARANTEEN’ED EPISODE 3 TRANSCRIPT
(Carlotta) Dear Inner Monologue: Yesterday I was reading this article on Buzz Feed: “13 reasons why Listicles may be a waste of your time” when all of a sudden…
(Bang, bang, bang on door)
(Carlotta’s mom: “If you’re going to Shop Rite We’re out of paper towels”. Dad: “I need my depends too.
Buzz Feed will have to wait because my parental squad has needs, you know?
(Carlotta’s dad: “And get me a megamillions too”)
(Carlotta) So, over the river and through the woods to the grocery store I go. And because I’m safety-minded, I pulled out my collection of super-cute masks and tried to find something perfect. It’s how I approach every day, finding a mask to match the mood. It’s like wine pairing. What mask should you wear while drinking Prosecco? That’s a trick question.
What’s that? You want to hear more about my mask collection? It’s true: I have made a ton of masks while in quarantine. Yes, I am one of those hate-able types who got hella productive during Corona.
I am sewing masks for myself, for nurses, for all kinds of people, and I gotta say each one of my babies is totally adorbs.
How did I acquire this sewing talent? Way back in 2005, when I was a sophomore at Pickatinny High, I auditioned for our school musical: Little Shop of Horrors. (sings Little shop of horrors) And I know this will be hard to believe but I didn’t make the cut! Not even the chorus! Instead, I was pushed off to the costume department which everyone knows is a labor camp for theater nerds.
Teacher: Ok losers Audrey’s costume isn’t going to sew itself. Faster, faster, sew faster losers.
Carlotta: Unwanted and unloved, I worked through my PTSD by learning to sew. Flash forward 15 years and look who has mad skills to make it through a pandemic? This guy!
You may be wondering what happened to Carla Capoli who took my role of Audrey in Little Shop?
I actually have no idea…she blocked me on Instagram.
Speaking or 2005…where is that diary? It’s under the bed here somewhere. There’s bound to be some good stuff in it. Diary, where are you. Come out come out wherever you.
(rustles through some stuff)
Oh here it is. Ahem!
Dear Bottomless Abyss that is my soul…
Holy crap! Somebody got all angsty in sophomore year!
Here my haiku for the day:
Justin Timberlake
You don’t know I exist, right?
Strawberry lip gloss.
Oof. Even for a haiku that doesn’t really make any sense.
Let’s say we try another diary!
Hmmm, 1998...that sounds safer.
Dear Dairy,
Yes, that’s right, it says “dairy”! Don’t @ me people! I was 8 and hadn’t discovered spell check yet ok?
Ahem.
Dear Dairy,
How are you? I hope you’re having a good day.
My boyfriend dumped me today. I shall never smile again.
The end.
P.S. I must marry a man who will hate cheese as much as I.
Love, your friend, Kitty Kinnicki
Oh my goodness!
3rd grade had everything didn’t it? An ex-bae, a flair for the dramatic,
and lactose intolerance. Plus, a little Freudian slip with that whole
“Dear Dairy” thing.
Well, that’s all from me. Toodles! Oh, and if you’re wondering: today’s mask was made from an old Hello Kitty bedspread.
Go retro or go home! Am I right?
Stay safe, and I’ll see you on the other side.
Ann Sloan: Thank you so much for listening to Carlötta Beautox Quaranteen’ed. This episode starred Samantha Gordon in the role of Carlötta and also starred Chris Cleveland and Raechel Wong and it was written and directed by me, Ann Sloan. For full credits please visit our website CarlottaPodcast.com or check the show notes. Thanks so much
Quaranteen’ed Episode 2 transcript
A reading from the diary of Kitty Kinnicki Volume 2003
Dear Diary – I’ve been thinking deep thoughts lately, like:
Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why isn’t phonetic spelled phonetically?
Love Kitty.
Huh! Those are very good questions coming from the brain of 13-year-old Kitty Kinnicki and I still don’t have an answer. Hey Siri, why is abbreviation such a long word?
Siri? Are you there? Siri?
(Siri: Jesus Christ can’t an AI Netflix and chill
Siri was being soy extra today, she wasn’t answering any of my questions. I don’t know maybe these stay at home orders are driving her nuts too.
Some days, as I’m here stuck in my parents’ house while Corona rages on, I try to think about what good can come out of this. There’s gotta be something. I’m very much the optimist (Virgo Leo rising!) and looking for the silver lining is my super-power.
One positive for me in this time of fear and misery are these masks. For a disgraced influencer who’s hiding from the world: the masks are a perfect cover. I put one on, wear sunglasses and a hat, and absolutely no one know who I am. It’s like I’m invisible!
I feel like Sia back when she had the super long bangs and hid her face. She never wanted to be famous which didn’t compute for me. But I totally get it now! Anonymity…it’s liberating!
I went to Shop Rite today for my parents…they wanted their typical: cigarettes and lottery tickets and who did I run into? My arch-nemesis Angie Frangipani and her fallen arches husband.
Angie was in the paper aisle (wearing no mask by the way) trying to hoard toilet paper. Classic.
The store clerk had to intervene. They wrestled over an 8 pack of Charmin and it turned into a full fist fight with Angie screaming about liberties.
“Get lost”
“Stop that woman!”
As humans go, she’s totally one-ply. The former me would have busted out a cell phone, recorded the whole thing, and posted it to my millions of fans on Twitter. But I’ve grown, I’m not the person I was. Plus, I lost all my followers. So, there’s that.
Anyway, Angie never saw me. If she had it would have been so humiliating. My fall from celebrity-hood became nationwide news, and I’m guessing no one enjoyed it more than Angie F.
Why do people love to watch other people fail? Siri, any thoughts?
(Siri: Oh for god’s sake girl stop asking me to think for you.
I wonder who Siri turns to when she has questions? I wonder if it’s Alexa.
Sorry if I just woke up your Alexa! Oh crap, I hope I didn’t do it again.
Maybe I should read from one of my diaries again…let’s go back to a time before
virtual assistants were listening and collecting our data. Hmmm, here’s one: 1999!
December 31, 1999! Wow the eve of Y2K. I wonder what 9-year-old Kitty Kinnicki was worried about. Let’s see…
Dear Diary,
A whole new year, decade, century, and whatever comes after century is about to happen!
Goodbye 1999, you were bad. Worse than 1998 even and that was bad becuz Ginger left the Spice Girls. I didn’t think the world could be worser. Tomorrow is 2000 and I hope my breasts come in!
With love,
Kitty.
Wow! That was a good one. Wish I could go back to 1999 and assure young Kitty Kinnicki that 2000 was definitely going to be her millennium!
That’s it from my childhood bedroom! Toodles!
Quaranteen’ed Episode 1 transcript
Dear Diary,
Except I have to come up with a new name for you since “Diary” was burned on the grill last season.
The thing is…maybe I don’t even NEED a diary!
Maybe I can just talk to myself. Like a soliloquy, ya know?
Me, Carlotta Beautox just chatting with Carlotta Beautox.
Or do I go back to being Kitty Kinnicki again?
“Who am I?” her inner monologue asked, to no one in particular.
(Siri: Jesus Christ.)
Siri, should I send Carlötta Beautox packing, umlaut and all? Should I go back to being Kitty Kinnicki?
(Siri: Come on girl stop asking me to think for you. Give it a rest already.)
Siri totally gets me.
Let’s put a pin in the question, “Who am I” for a moment and answer the question, “Where am I?” That’s easier to answer. I am at my parents’ house in New Jersey.
When we last spoke, I had been exposed as a fraud and Hollywood pretty much kicked me to the curb.
While I was planning my comeback, I figured I could make a living as a dog walker, barista, waitress, I would do something -- but then -- Coronavirus hit! And my plans to take my life back had to be put on hold.
I came back to New Jersey to ride this out with my parents. I’m staying in my childhood bedroom and social distancing from the world. They’ve been hugely supportive but also? They really like that I can go to Shop Rite and buy their lottery tickets for them. Pandemic or no, Dotty and Ricky Kinnicki still want to win the Megamillions. They’ve had their eye on a houseboat forever.
This isn’t the first time I’ve been in Quarantine by the way.
During my 12th season on this planet, I self-isolated in this very room. My bedroom.
I was an outcast even then.
Mom had kept my room exactly the same, it was like a museum from 2003! A closet full of bedazzled jeans, an iPod mini loaded up with so much Britney. Oh baby, baby. And on the wall?
A signed Clay Aiken poster! Let me tell you, back in the day, I was achin’ for Clay.
But that was nothing compared to what I found under the bed. Holy cannoli, it’s my old diaries! What a treasure trove!
So, fans, what do you say we open one and take a peek into the pre-teen mind of Carlötta Beautox?
Dear Kitty…
Oh, how cute is that? I called my diary “Kitty” after myself! And in case you forgot: Ann Frank also called her diary “Kitty”. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Poor Ann Frank though, she ALSO had a rough time in quarantine. Anyway, where were we?
(ahem)
Dear Kitty…
My life is over! Over! I said goodbye forever tonight to the only people who will ever fully understand me: the cast of Dawson’s Creek! Joey and Pacey end up together? As if! Nooooooo!!!!! No! I can’t go on!!!!
Oh, my goodness, drama much, Kitty? I gotta say though, I am re-feeling the feels. James Van der Beek, I loved you so. Why did you have to go off and become middle-aged?
Ah well, I think that’s it for now, Dear Diary…or I should say Dearest Inner Monologue.
There’s more from my teen diaries to come. We’ll get through this Corona thing together: you and me…and 2003. Toodles! And wear your face masks no matter what your damn governor says!
Love you!