EPISODE 308 MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS CREDITS:
Carlotta Beautox Theme by Jesse Billson for Sonic Librarian. Lyrics by Ann Sloan
"Peppy Pepe" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com) License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"There is Romance" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com) License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
SFX: From FreeSound.org and SoundBible.com.
TRANSCRIPT EP 308 - REVENGE OF THE KARENS
CARLOTTA VO: Dear Diary, wow this was crazy. A New York Times profile. A Good Morning America feature! And the number one trending show on Apple Podcasts! Me? Despite keeping my identity a secret, I’ve managed to become famous again! No one knows I am Carlötta Beautox … or rather, that I was Carlötta Beautox and if this gets out, it will ruin me. Again! What a pickle.
OPENING THEME MUSIC
DAVE: (AM radio DJ voice) This episode of Kitty Chats was brought to you by our sponsor: Dave’s Bowl-A-Raoke. The world’s first and only hybrid bowling alley and karaoke club. Are you a terrible singer? Perhaps an awful bowler? It doesn’t matter! At Dave’s Bowl-A-Raoke there is so much distraction, no one will ever know. Dave’s Bowl-A-Raoke! And now, back to Kitty (Ed McMahon guffaw laugh)
KITTY CHATS OUTRO MUSIC
CARLÖTTA: So remember, everyone, don’t let the maskochists get you down. Mask up, save face and save a life. That’s a wrap on another episode of Kitty Chats – do be sure to follow us on Twitter at Kitty Chats Podcast. And if you’ve been a victim of a Karen, reach out, I’d love to get your story on our show. Ciao for now!
(COMPUTER CLICKS)
CARLÖTTA: Whew! Another episode in the can. Siri, let’s get our asses out of here ok
SIRI: Yikes. I’m pooped. Whaddya say we grab a cocktail?
CARLÖTTA: You are on.
CARLÖTTA VO: Dear Diary, my podcast was turning out to be so rewarding. I was a legit media personality! Plus, it allowed me to launch my Kitty-branded face masks, with both wrinkle and zit prevention technology. I had developed an empire! I was finally successful at something in my life. Not everyone liked us, of course, haters are always going to hate. But overall? The response was amazing.
CARLÖTTA: Siri, can you get the lights?
SIRI: I would if I had hands, boss.
CARLÖTTA: Oh yeah, forgot.
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, I got my stuff, closed up the studio, and Siri and I headed outside.
DOOR OPEN, OUTDOOR SOUNDS, CAR REMOTE SFX
SIRI: In 10 feet turn left.
CARLÖTTA: I remember where I parked, Siri.
SIRI: LOL. That was me doing my Waze App voice impression. Pretty good, right?
CARLÖTTA: Uncanny.
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, as I turned the corner where my car was parked, suddenly, down the block, I saw this crowd of protestors. What the heck is this, I wondered.
KAREN MILLER: There she is! It’s Kitty.
KAREN 2: Kitty! It’s Kitty! Get her!
CARLÖTTA: What the hell? Oh my God.
KAREN 3: You’re going to get what’s coming Kitty.
RUNNING SFX, SCREAMING
CARLÖTTA: (slightly panicked) Oh my god, what do they want? What should I do?
SIRI: Run, Forrest, run!
CARLÖTTA: Shit!!!
CARLOTTA RUNS
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, I hauled ass back toward the studio, but this crowd was gaining on me.
CARLÖTTA: (running) Oh my god, oh my god, someone help me!
KAREN MILLER: Get her! Don’t let her escape!
KAREN 2: Get back here, Kitty!
CARLÖTTA VO: I got to the door of the building just in time.
DOOR OPENS AND SLAMS, A LOCK IS THROWN
CARLÖTTA VO: They were out for blood and I escaped by the skin of my teeth!
POUNDING ON THE DOOR
KAREN MILLER: Open the door, Kitty!
KAREN 2: I’m going to rip that mask off your stupid, stupid, face.
KAREN3: I want to speak to the manager of podcasting!
CARLÖTTA: Jesus! That was close! How am I going to get home?
PHONE RINGS
CARLÖTTA: Oh my god, it’s Dave!
ANSWERS PHONE
CARLÖTTA: Dave! Dave! You can’t believe what’s happening!
DAVE: Carlötta, where are you? Are you safe?
CARLÖTTA: What the hell? These women, they wanted to kill me, there were dozens of them.
DAVE: I know! I’m saw the news. Are you ok?
CARLÖTTA: The news? Yeah, yeah, I’m ok, I’m inside the building. They were running after me, yelling about ripping my mask off. Who are they? Did you say the news?
DAVE: It’s the Karens! They’ve mobilized an army and you’re the target.
CARLÖTTA: I’m what?
DAVE: Stay inside. I’ll get there as soon as I can.
CARLÖTTA: What should I do? I can’t be exposed!
DAVE: Go back to the studio, barricade the door.
CARLÖTTA: OMG. The Karens want to kill me!
ACT BREAK
CARLÖTTA VO: Dear Diary, this was madness. I could hear the chanting outside. I peeked outside. It was a sea of peri-menopausal women with the same Suzi Orman hairdo. Mom Zombies! Mombies! With gel manicures! I turned on CNN.
ANDERSON COOPER: Anderson Cooper here. We are live in Los Angeles where hundreds of anti-mask protestors have gathered outside the recording studio of the Kitty Chats podcast. Barricaded inside, is controversial podcaster and mask advocate: Kitty.
CARLÖTTA: Oh my god!! This isn’t happening!
CROWD: Karen Lives Matter! Karen Lives Matter!
ANDERSON COOPER: We’re here with former head-cheerleader and current head-Karen: Karen Miller.
Ms. Miller…
KAREN MILLER: It’s Mrs. Miller.
ANDERSON COOPER: Mrs. Miller. Karen, why are you here?
KAREN MILLER: We are here to take back our faces. This is America and we not going to have our liberties infringed upon by a podcaster. This coward refuses to show the world who she is!
ANDERSON COOPER: Well, she is covering her face to keep you safe.
KAREN MILLER: I’m already safe. I live in a gated community. We want to know who this Kitty is once and for all.
ANDERSON COOPER: Thank you, Karen. Well, there you have it. This Anti-mask movement or “Antima” as they are sometimes known, started out small, with isolated Karens losing their shit at Trader Joes stores in LA. Since then, the Karen-movement has grown into a small but very shrill force of former cheerleaders and soccer moms. If I can have Hank our cameraman pan over my shoulder, you can see the protestors have now formed a human shield, a “Wall of Karens” if you will, to prevent Kitty from leaving her studio.
CARLOTTA VO: Diary, what the hell was I going to do? I felt helpless. Just then, I remembered this advice I got at the podcasting convention. When you are filled with doubt, there is one simple solute on.
KATE: “Ignore the haters and just hit record”.
CARLÖTTA: Just hit record. I’m a podcaster dammit! And I am going to podcast. This is for you Kate.
KITTY CHATS THEME MUSIC
CARLÖTTA: (slightly agitated) Welcome to this special live stream edition of Kitty Chats, I’m your host, Kitty. Friends, I am currently barricaded inside my studio. Outside, a mob of Karens wants to silence me.
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, as I continued to podcast, the protest outside kept intensifying.
PHONE RINGS!
CARLÖTTA: Dave! Where are you? Can you rescue us?
DAVE: I am trying to, but the roads are blocked. There are so many Karens and they’re using every mean girl trick in the book.
CARLÖTTA: OMG. This is the scariest episode of my life!
DAVE: Just keep talking, Carlötta, keep recording, the world has its eyes on you. Or its ears at least.
CARLÖTTA: What will you do?
DAVE: I’m going to make my way over to see Anderson Cooper. Keep watching the news.
CNN NEWS THEME
ANDERSON: We are live outside the Kitty Chats studio as protests show no signs of letting up. With us is Kitty’s manager, Dave.
DAVE: Hi, I’m Dave.
ANDERSON: Yes, I just said that.
DAVE: Sorry, I’m a little nervous.
ANDERSON: Dave, what can you tell us about your client?
DAVE: Which one? Oh, you mean Kitty? What can I tell you? First up, I’m currently repping her gratis, which means “free” in Greek.
ANDERSON: I mean about the situation inside the studio.
DAVE: Oh, sorry, little nervous. Welp, I know she’s trapped inside because there are all these Karens who want to kick her ass. Can I say “ass” on CNN?
ANDERSON: You just did. Twice. So, thank you for the insights, Dave.
DAVE: That’s it?
ANDERSON: Thank you.
DAVE: (calling out) I didn’t get to plug my new nightclub: Dave’s Bowl-a-Raoke.
ANDERSON: Things are getting much more intense out here on the street. There is a noticeable shift in the tenor of these protests.
GROUP OF KARENS: Be aggressive! B-E aggressive! B-E-A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E!
ANDERSON: The Karens, this radicalized group of ex-cheerleaders, are now taking a more aggressive stance.
GROUP OF KARENS: Block that Kitty! Block that Kitty!
FLASH BANG SOUND EFFECTS
ANDERSON: For now, police seem to be holding them off. But, what’s this? The Karens seem to be hurling some kind of projectiles. (cough, cough) I think it’ssome kind of chemical agent. (cough, cough) It’s getting hard to breathe. Is that tear gas? No! (cough, cough) It’s Axe Body Spray! Oh, to hell with this. Cooper out. Fall back, fall back!
CARLÖTTA: Listeners, the situation outside is heating up. It looks police are falling back and the Karens are once again at the door. It’s like Black Friday at Walmart.
DOOR CRASH SOUND EFFECTS
CARLÖTTA: Friends, there’s a terrible ruckus downstairs, I’m afraid the Karens have breached the door! I’m signing off. I don’t want you to hear what happens next because I totally forgot to do a trigger warning about housewives ripping a podcaster to shreds! Goodbye forever, fans. It’s been real….
MACHINE CLICKS OFF
RUNNING SFX OUTSIDE
SIRI: Hurry, they’re coming.
CARLÖTTA: I’m going as fast as I can. I just have output it as a wave file. And then archive it!
SIRI: Oh, my God, there’s no time to be anal retentive!
COMPUTER WHOOSH
CARLÖTTA: Ok. Done.
SIRI: This is it. The end! Get ready to meet your maker, Carlötta! Steve Jobs, I’m coming home to you over the rainbow bridge!
DOOR GETS BASHED IN. IT’S ZEN!
ZEN: Carlötta! Are you ok?
CARLÖTTA: Zen!? Oh my god, what are you… how did you? Oh no, I’m not wearing a mask!
ZEN: Come on, we have to go!
CARLÖTTA: But… but… how did you know I’m Carlötta?
ZEN: I’ve always known who you are, Carlötta Beautox!
CARLÖTTA: You did? Oh Zen!
ZEN: I went to Stanford, for chrissakes! I’m not an idiot.
CARLÖTTA: I love you, Zen!
ZEN: There’s no time for that. We have to go.
CARLÖTTA: But how will we get out? We’re surrounded.
ZEN: I’m a drag performer. Drag performers get the job done!
CARLÖTTA: A drag performer? I thought you were an app developer!
ZEN: Hello? Have you heard of cronuts? I’m a hybrid and I could totes live without you pigeon-holing me right now ok?
CARLÖTTA: But Zen, the building is surrounded!
ZEN: Silly! I have the Karen app on my phone! Remember?
CARLÖTTA: The Karen app! Yes! It tells us where the Karen-dense areas are on a map.
KAREN APP WARNING SIGNALS
CARLÖTTA: It’s popping off like a Geiger counter!
ZEN: And this is Chernobyl. We’re looking at a core meltdown…of Karens!
CARLÖTTA: We’re toast!
ZEN: Not quite! The Karens left a gap in the southeast corner of the building. A wormhole! If we can get there, we can escape undetected. But we have to go now! Come on!
CARLÖTTA: Ok! Let’s go.
DOOR OPENS, RUNNING
ZEN: Quick! This way, down this hall.
CARLÖTTA: I’m right behind you.
ZEN: Let’s get up to the roof. There’s a fire escape. This way.
CARLÖTTA: The stairwell!
DOOR SMASHES OPEN, RUNNING UP STEPS
ZEN: One more flight! Come on! Faster!
CARLÖTTA: Wait, wait! Zen! Oh my god! My phone, I left my phone!
ZEN: It doesn’t matter, we’ll get you a new phone. You’re probably due for an upgrade anyhow.
CARLÖTTA: No, you don’t understand. I can’t leave Siri!
ZEN: Duh! Your new phone will have Siri on it. Let’s go.
CARLÖTTA: It won’t be the same Siri!
ZEN: What? There aren’t different Siris! We have no time. The worm hole is closing!
CARLÖTTA: I’m going back, Zen.
ZEN: Oh, this shit I cannot believe right now.
SOUND EFFECTS RUNNING
CARLÖTTA: (out of breath) Siri! I’m coming! I’m coming!
DOOR BURSTS OPEN
SIRI: Boo, hoo, hoo. Carlötta Beautox, why, why, why have you forsaken me?
CARLÖTTA: Siri, we have to go.
SIRI: You totally abandoned me!
CARLÖTTA No I didn’t! (covering) I, uh, just went to the bathroom and I know you hate that because you’re germophobic.
SIRI: You’re lying but that’s ok. At least you came back to rescue me.
CARLÖTTA: I got your back Siri.
SIRI: I don’t have a back.
CARLÖTTA: Let’s not split hairs.
SIRI: Another thing I do not have. You’re on a roll.
ZEN: Will you two stop being so extra? The Barbarian Karens are at the gate!
CARLÖTTA: C’mon Siri. I’m rescuing you.
SIRI: This is like straight up out of Officer and a Gentleman!
CARLÖTTA: God I hated that movie. Let’s go!
RUNNING SFX, HUFF-ING
SIRI: “Love lift us up where we belong…”
ZEN: This way, run!
SIRI: “…where the eagles fly on a mountain high.”
CARLÖTTA: Hurry! Hurry, the Karens are coming!
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, while Siri tried to talk/sing the theme to Officer and a Gentlemen, Zen navigated our way to the wormhole.The Karens had finally breached the front door of the building.
WOOD CRASHING, SHREIKING
CARLÖTTA VO: Just in the nick of time we found our way to safety -- Zen, Siri, and I.
SIRI: Way to go, Paula! Way to go!
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, it’s impossible to describe in words what a near death experience is like – to go from terror to euphoria in an instant. The joy didn’t last long though, because I remembered Dave. Was he ok? He wasn’t answering his phone. Zen, Siri, and I went to his place in Van Nuys to look for him.
KNOCKING ON DOOR,
CARLÖTTA: (pressured) Dave! Dave! Are you in there?
DOOR OPEN
DAVE: Carlötta! Oh! I mean, Kitty! I don’t know anyone named Carlötta. Brain fart!
CARLÖTTA: It’s ok Dave, this is Zen and they know my real identity. My fake identity. My real-fake…oh, you know what I mean.
ZEN: Her secret’s safe. I promise.
CARLÖTTA: Zen saved my life!
SIRI: Hello????
CARLÖTTA: Zen save both of our lives.
ZEN: We all saved each other.
DAVE: This has been a truly shocking night. I did not realize how striking that Anderson Cooper is. Listen, I don’t need to tell you, but this made the national news!
CARLÖTTA: It’s déjà vu all over again!
DAVE: Check it out.
TV CLICK ON
ANDERSON COOPER: Dozens of Karens were arrested tonight on a multitude of charges including vandalism, disturbing the peace, arson. In addition, misdemeanor fashion crimes too numerous to list, were also filed. One question remains: where is Kitty? Tonight, police have no answers.
ZEN: Wow. That’s insane. You’re officially missing.
CARLÖTTA: Missing but not alone! What happens next?
DAVE: Tonight, we celebrate. And we worry about what happens next some other time. I have some champagne here somewhere.
CARLÖTTA VO: As Dave cracked open a bottle of bubbly, this warm feeling came over me. For the first time, in maybe my entire life, I had a group of people who cared about me. Dave, Zen, and even Siri.
CHAMPAGNE POPS
DAVE: What should we toast to?
ZEN: Surviving a Zombie mom apocalypse?
DAVE: Bowl-a-raoke getting a free plug on CNN?
SIRI: Let’s toast the enduring legacy of an Officer and a Gentleman!
CARLÖTTA: Definitely not that. No. Tonight we toast…to friendship.
ZEN: To friends.
DAVE: To friends.
SIRI: To friends.
CARLÖTTA VO: Dear Diary, wow, what an ordeal this has been. I’m not talking about what went down tonight. I’m talking about this entire last year. And not just for me, but for all of us.It sometimes feels like we’re in an alternate universe. Things seem so unrecognizable. But I’m starting to have hope.It reminds me of a movie I saw when I was a kid, a movie called Starman. Jeff Bridges is this super-hot alien who lands on earth and encounters humans for the first time. He finds them strange, unpredictable, and sometimes savage.But he sees their silver lining. He said quote, “Shall I tell you what I find beautiful about you? You are at your very best when things are worst.”
We have to remember there are still good people out there. Most of them, in fact. Some of the good ones are my very own ride-or-die friends. This is me, putting a period at the end of another season of my life. Thanks for sharing it with me. And remember -- stay close to your friends and loved ones. They’re beautiful. You need them. And they need you. Toodles and love, as always, from me Kitty.
SIRI: OK, so why such deep hatred of An Officer and a Gentleman?
CARLÖTTA: It’s complicated.
SIRI: I got time. But top me off with the bubbly first, will ya?
CARLÖTTA: You got it, Siri.
SOUNDS OF CHAMPAGNE POURING.