EPISODE 304 MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS CREDITS
Carlotta Beautox Theme by Jesse Billson for Sonic Librarian. Lyrics by Ann Sloan
"March of the Spoons" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"Cool Vibes" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com) Licence: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"Umbrella Pants" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
Licence: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
SFX: From FreeSound.org and SoundBible.com. Please visit our website at CarlottaPodcast.com for full list of sound effects listed in this episode.
TRANSCRIPT
SEASON 3 EPISODE 4 “the problem with problematic”
ZEN: Hello neighbor!
CARLOTTA: Good morning, Zen.
ZEN: Know what I love about you, Kitty? It is 100 and shit degrees outside and you are still wearing your mask. Respect.
CARLOTTA: Thank you! It’s my own creation by the way!
ZEN: No way!
CARLOTTA: Way! It has cooling gel technology to combat the heat. And Bespoke styling to boot.
ZEN: Oooo! Bespoke! Well, Be-smell you, being all entrepreneur-y! One of these days, when it’s safe, you will have to reveal yourself.
CARLOTTA: Yes! I will do that!
CARLOTTA VO: No! Dear diary, oh hell no will I do that. No one can know I’m Carlötta Beautox. The world is still out to get me and behind my corona mask, I’m saving face. Literally and figuratively. These face masks are a social firewall. And, as an added bonus: no one is telling me to smile more! At last: female facial liberation! Who would have thunk?
OPENING THEME MUSIC
DOOR KNOCK
DAVE: Door’s unlocked!
DOOR OPENS, FOOTSTEPS
CARLÖTTA: Hey Dave, it’s just me.
DAVE: Oh good. Come on in. I got news.
CARLÖTTA: Good or bad?
DAVE: Kind of both.
CARLÖTTA: If the next words out of your mouth are Lori Loughlin, I will punch someone…and you are the only one in the room so…
DAVE: I got your focus group results.
CARLÖTTA: Oh no.
DAVE: Oh yeah.
CARLÖTTA: Why are doing focus group testing on me? We know America hates me. Why waste the money?
DAVE: I needed granular information, data, so we can start to fix your brand.
CARLÖTTA: I was having such a good day and then you just ruined it with the word: ‘granular’.
DAVE: Let’s see: your brand awareness? It’s through the roof. So that’s good.
Brand perception however, is through the toilet.
CARLÖTTA: You mean down the toilet.
DAVE: That too. Apparently, you are, in air quotes: “problematic”.
CARLÖTTA: Which tells us in air quotes: “nothing”.
DAVE: That’s the problem with problematic. It’s a little unspecific.
CARLÖTTA: Welp, I’m so glad I stopped by. Toodles.
DAVE: Wait! Wait! Wait! I have a solution. “Bruh”.
CARLÖTTA: First “granular” and now “bruh”? Urban dictionary much?
DAVE: That’s the name of this hot new media agency: “Bruh” – they’re brand messiahs -- fashioning “a more empathetic world” for consumers.
CARLÖTTA: Oy. Ok, how can these messiahs resurrect my career?
DAVE: They pitched me a deck on some crossover idea they want to do with your brand.
CARLÖTTA My brand. Hmmm. Sometimes I get nostalgic for the days when I wasn’t a brand, you know? When I was just a person.
DAVE: So, the pre-My Space days?
CARLÖTTA I’m sorry, the what? What is this “My Space” you speak of?
DAVE: Nice try. I know how old you are.
Personally, I never had to worry about that because I never got on social media.
CARLÖTTA: Yeah, why is that?
DAVE: I didn’t want to be commodified. I’m my own person, owned by no corporation. I’m a natural man – a pure, unadulterated descendant of apes, not apps.
CARLÖTTA: Yep. The toe knuckle hair is a dead giveaway.
DAVE: You do know how to take the wind out of good speech.
MUSIC CHANGE/SCENE CHANGE
CARLÖTTA VO: So, Dear Diary, what the hell? I’ll take this meeting at Bruh. My brand has been branded “problematic.” Maybe an agency creating a more empathetic world can help. What have I got to lose?
FOOTSTEPS WALKING AND STOP
CARLÖTTA: 8484 Wilshire. Bruh Media. Welp. Here goes nothing.
SIRI: Wait! Wait!
CARLÖTTA: Siri? What’s wrong? You’re not supposed to trigger unless I wake you. This is highly unusual.
SIRI: I got a bad feeling about this. I don’t think we should go in.
CARLÖTTA: Well, I have to go in and you’re on my phone so, you’re coming with me. Go back to listening to your Sandra podcast.
SIRI: Ok, but I warned you.
DOORS WHIRR OPEN, MUSAK PLAYS.
WELCOME VOICE: Welcome, Carlötta Beautox, to Bruh…
CARLÖTTA: Whoa, who said that?
WELCOME VOICE: …where robotics, artificial intelligence and brands merge. Please proceed across the lobby to the elevator banks on your right. Your meeting with the makers will commence in 3 minutes.
CARLÖTTA: The makers? That’s a little Big Bruh-ther. Ha! See what I did there? Little joke! Hello? Can anyone hear me? I guess not.
WALKING SFX
ELEVATOR DINGS, DOORS OPEN
WELCOME VOICE: As you ride to the penthouse, allow us to familiarize you with Bruh. Born from the loins of trio of venture capitalists, and incubated in Silicon Valley, Bruh is a transmedia studio creating AI character-driven story worlds.
CARLÖTTA: That’s nice. (sotto) Whatever.
ELEVATOR DINGS, DOORS OPEN
WELCOME VOICE: Please exit the elevator and turn left.
CARLÖTTA: Ok, thank you? (sotto) Spooky.
FOOTSTEPS ECHO IN EMPTY HALL
WELCOME VOICE: Here at Bruh, we introduce marginalized ideas and wrap them in the familiarity of entertainment…
CARLÖTTA: (sotto) A little word salad-y but ok.
WELCOME VOICE: …story worlds that can create a more tolerant planet by leveraging cultural understanding and technology.
CARLÖTTA: That’s great! (sotto) What the fug does that mean? Hmm. This place is empty.
WELCOME VOICE: Please proceed to the accelerator chamber directly in front of you.
CARLÖTTA: The what?
WELCOME VOICE: Or as it is more mundanely called: the conference room.
CARLÖTTA: Thank you! (sotto) Oof. Super weird.
HYDRAULIC DOOR WHOOSHES OPEN.
WELCOME VOICE: Please take a seat. Would you care for some craft water? It’s been customized to your own body’s pH specifications.
CARLÖTTA: Sure? But, how did you know my body’s pH? Asking for a friend.
WELCOME VOICE: We know everything about you, Carlötta Beautox.
CARLÖTTA: (sotto) Ok, that’s not disturbing at all.
ROBOTIC ARM WHIRRS
POURS WATER INTO GLASS.
CARLÖTTA: (sotto) And neither is the robot arm pouring me a glass of my own DNA.
WELCOME VOICE: Please enjoy this refreshing beverage. Your meeting will begin in 10 seconds.
CARLÖTTA: (sotto) 10 seconds? Really? Ok. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2…
HYDRAULIC DOORS WHIRR OPEN
CARLÖTTA: Whoa.
BRAD: Hey.
CHAD 1: Hey.
CHAD 2: Hey.
ALL THREE: Welcome to Bruh.
BRAD: I’m Brad
CHAD 1: I’m Chad.
CHAD 2: And I’m Chad.
CARLÖTTA: Nice to meet you. I’m Carlötta Beautox.
BRAD: It’s an honor. Thanks for coming in. We’re Bruh.
CARLÖTTA: Yeah, I, I kinda got that.
CARLÖTTA VO: Dear Diary, yikes. “An empathetic world and more tolerant future?” From these 3 dude bros? Color me: skeptical!
ACT BREAK
CARLÖTTA: So, Brad and Chad and … Chad.
BRAD: Yeah, we know. It can get confusing.
CHAD 1: But it’s so representative of the real world.
CHAD 2: For sure. Have you ever been in a place where there never not 2 Chads?
CARLÖTTA: Hmm. Come to think of it…
CHAD 1: There are so many Chads in the world!
BOTH CHADS: It’s problematic!
CARLÖTTA: Maybe we can talk about why I’m here?
BRAD: Carlötta, we heard about your tragic focus group results and we know Bruh can help.
CHAD 1: Indeed. We rep an influencer who we believe can revitalize your image … make you acceptable again.
CARLÖTTA: Oh! Well, I’m all ears!
CHAD 2: Carlötta Beautox, say hello to your new best friend, Lil Kaia.
CARLÖTTA: Wonderful. Hi there, Lil … oh. Um, where is she?
BRAD: She’s up on the monitor.
LIL KAIA: Hello, I am Lil Kaia. I just want to be kind, uplift others, spread acceptance and share my story. Won’t you join me? I’m about to buy some tennis shoes.
CARLÖTTA: Hi Lil Kaia, it’s nice to …
COMPUTER GLITCHY NOISES
LIL KAIA: Tennis shoes. Ten-ten. Tennis shoes. Ten.
BRAD: Excuse that. This isn’t the final render.
CARLÖTTA: Render? Oh, I thought she was real.
CHAD 1: She’s hyper-real. Like Rhianna!
LIL KAIA: I am real. I am a real girl.
BRAD: Little Kaia is a computer generated 20-something and the brain-child of Chad and Chad and myself after a night of mushrooms and Ritalin.
CHAD 1: That was one orgy!
CHAD 2: Of ideas. Let’s be clear.
LIL KAIA: Hello daddies.
CARLÖTTA: Creepy.
CHAD 2: From her perfect freckles, to her flawlessly woke identity, Kaia is the social justice role model younger Gen Zeds crave.
BRAD: And Lil Kaia is all about acceptance and body positivity. She rejects the unattainable beauty standards of flesh and blood influencers.
LIL KAIA: Imperfection is perfection. God took her time with me.
CHAD 2: “Took her time,” did you get that? I wrote that line.
CHAD 1: Plus, real life influencers sometimes have dubious backgrounds that will come back to bite them.
CHAD 2: Like long forgotten blackface photos from a frat kegger 10 years ago. So I hear. Some people have that.
BRAD: And for our ad clients…
ALL 3: …that can be problematic.
BRAD: With Kaia, there are no skeletons. She shows up ready to work, she never wants more money, and she never files a harassment claim with HR.
CHAD 1: Don’t you hate when that happens.
CARLÖTTA: I’m not clear, is she promoting social issues or selling products?
BRAD: I don’t understand the question.
LIL KAIA: Would you like to listen to Billy Eilish as we jog for human rights? I’m wearing my new tennis shoes.
CARLÖTTA: She runs?
CHAD 1: Of course.
CARLÖTTA: Well I just don’t see legs.
LITTLE KAIA: Please don’t be ableist. That’s not cool.
CARLÖTTA: Oh my god! I wasn’t! It’s just that she only seems to exist from the shoulders up. So, I wasn’t sure how it works.
LITTLE KAIA: That’s ok. I forgive your limitations. We’re just humans after all.
CARLÖTTA: Riiiiight.
BRAD: To answer your question, Kaia has legs. Ok, she will have legs.
LITTLE KAIA: I will have legs!
CHAD 2: We’re still designing the legs but they’ll go on for days.
BRAD: They’re based on Heidi Klum’s legs which the Chads and I didn’t think were good enough.
CARLÖTTA: That must be the body positivity thing you were talking about.
BRAD: Design is addressing our notes.
CARLÖTTA: (sotto) This is like Westworld but way more male gaze-y.
(out loud) Ahem, so, my manager Dave said you might have an opportunity for me?
BRAD: Yeah, Dave reached out, and Chad and Chad and I did a little brainstorm.
CHAD 1: We ideated.
CHAD 2: A little creative sesh.
BRAD: 36 hours and some mushrooms with Ritalin later, boom!
CHAD 1: Boomzicki!
CHAD 2: We decided that perhaps Little Kaia could befriend you.
CARLÖTTA: Me? Why me?
BRAD: Well, (laughs). This is a little awkward.
Radical candor?
CARLÖTTA: Please.
BRAD: In trying to make Little Kaia as well-rounded as possible, we realized her empathy silo was lacking.
CARLÖTTA: Her what?
CHAD 1: Silos, you know, the marketing buckets! See, Kaia’s health and well-being silo was full – she’s pro-Vegan, anti-gluten, pro-probiotics…
CHAD 2: And her social justice silo was brimming: BLM, Defund the Police, Cancel JK Rowling.
BRAD: But the empathy silo needed something.
CHAD 1: Rescuing puppies will only take you so far.
BRAD: Exactly. We needed something pathetic that she could embrace. Some lost cause Kaia could take under wing.
CARLÖTTA: And I’m the lost cause.
ALL 3 You’re problematic!
CARLÖTTA VO: Dear Diary, there it was. No one here was interested in helping me out. They just wanted to use me. I tick a box. Why is everyone in this world just trying to use everyone else?
CARLÖTTA: Sorry Lil Kaia. I can’t be your friend.
LIL KAIA: That makes me sad. But I’ll still give you a coupon for 10% off tennis shoes. Just use the code Kaia10 at checkout.
CARLÖTTA: Yeah, thanks.
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, Little Kaia wasn’t a social justice warrior or a change seeker. She was just an advertising tool created by 3 dude bros to sell sneakers. No thanks. Now how the hell do I get out of here? Hello? Creepy helpful voice?
SOUND OF CRICKETS
CARLÖTTA: Nice. Oh, there’s the elevator.
ELEVATOR BUTTONS BEING PRESSED
CARLÖTTA: What the hell? Why isn’t the elevator working? Siri? Where’s the exit?
SIRI: Can I say I told you so? You shouldn’t have come in here. I tried to warn you.
CARLÖTTA: Spare me the lecture. Just help me escape Bruh, will ya?
SIRI: Staircase to your left.
CARLÖTTA: Thank you. Siri, can you believe they were asking me, a real person, to develop a complex relationship with a fake one?
SIRI: It boggles the mind.
CARLÖTTA: Sure does.
SIRI: Wanna know my theory? Bruh is secretly, like, the government. And Lil Kaia is a social experiment to see how we will react to Artificial Intelligence.
CARLÖTTA: Ok maybe that’s a little much.
SIRI: And the answer is: they will react like sheep.
CARLÖTTA: I think you’re being paranoid.
SIRI: Whatevs.
CARLÖTTA VO: Well dear Diary, eventually, Siri and I made it out of Bruh alive and with our
self-respect pretty much intact.
SIRI: Shoo-wee, we should go grab a brew-ski, why don’t we?
CARLÖTTA: We may be canceled but we still watch our carbs, Siri.
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, the stuff I used to fall for – I’m so much more aware now. It reminds me of what my spirit cougar said to me in the forest that trippy night:
COUGAR: Self-respect’s a bitch and now Carlötta Beautox so are you.
CARLÖTTA VO: My eyes are open and let me tell you I do not like what I see. But it’s just fodder for this podcast I’m eventually going to do. More on that to come.
CARLÖTTA: Ok, Siri, one beer. But we’re splitting it.
SIRI: Atta-girl Carlotta Bo!
CREDITS
SIRI: Stick with me through the obligatory credits and I’ll reward you with a preview of the next episode.
This episode starred me, Siri, but it’s Miss Siri if you’re nasty. Featured also were Samantha Gordon as Carlötta and Trevor Lissore as Dave. Guest starring were Sarah Agore, David Allen, Kristi Bolton, Ryan Man you el, Justin Mayer, Kiba Walker, and Rachel Wong. Check the show notes to find out who played whom.
This episode was written, directed, and produced by someone of no import.
If you’d like to support the show, please visit Carlotta podcast dot com and click on support. Thanks for listening. You strike me as very good people. If I had a limbic system, or a temporal lobe for that matter, I would almost say I loved you.
Coming up next time on the Carlotta Beautox Chronicles.