EPISODE 208 MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS CREDITS
MUSIC:
“Carlotta Beautox Theme” by Jesse Billson for Sonic Librarian. Lyrics by Ann Sloan
"Scheming Weasel" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
Music from https://filmmusic.io:
"Myst on the Moor" by Kevin MacLeod Link: https://incompetech.filmmusic.io/song/4104-myst-on-the-moor License: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/
"NewsSting" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"News Theme 2" by Audionautix is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/) Artist: http://audionautix.com/
"Not As It Seems" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 Licensehttp://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
"The Chamber" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
"Pop Goes the Weasel" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
Licence: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
“News Theme” by Kevin MacLeod is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/) Artist: http://incompetech.com/
"March of the Spoons" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"Peppy Pepe" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"Two Together" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
FreeSound.org:
S: wild pig 003.wav by yottasounds | License: Attribution
S: wild pig 004.wav by yottasounds | License: Attribution
S: Remix of 101980__pyr0x__growl_variants_compressed-#.wav by Timbre | License: Attribution Noncommercial
S: GRRR!!! Version 3.0 by KristopherTiberiusHaven | License: Attribution
S: Crickets_04.wav by RSilveira_88 | License: Attribution
S: 01290 wolf howl 4.wav by Robinhood76 -- https://freesound.org/s/81904/ -- License: Attribution Noncommercial
S: Typing_Sending_Text_Message.wav by vcspran -- https://freesound.org/s/344606/ -- License: Creative Commons 0
S: iPhone End Call by akelley6 -- https://freesound.org/s/453009/ -- License: Attribution Noncommercial
S: iPhone Typing by halimturk -- https://freesound.org/s/392634/ -- License: Attribution
S: Car starts and drives off.mp3 by supersplat1 -- https://freesound.org/s/454709/ -- License: Creative Commons 0
SoundBible.com
Title: Wolf Howling Yipping
Uploaded: 7.16.16
License: Attribution 3.0
Recorded by Daniel Simon
Title: Horned Owl
Uploaded: 06.07.11
License: Attribution 3.0
Recorded by Mike Koenig
Title: Gagging
Uploaded: 08.13.09
License: Attribution 3.0
Recorded by Mike Koenig
TRANSCRIPT
Season 2 Episode 8: “Eat Sh*t or Die”
OVERLAPPING NEWS REPORTS
NEWSCASTER 1: Liar, liar, pants on fire. That’s what the world is saying today to Carlötta Beautox, who shot to fame earlier this year...
NEWSCASTER 2: …Artist? Or Con artist? A new documentary uncovers Ms. Beautox as a fraud, stating she stole the identity of the street artist *pffft*
NEWSCASTER 3: …is Carötta Beautox the new Milli Vanilli? We will discuss it in depth tonight on Fakes, Phonies and Flim-flams.
CARLÖTTA VO: Just as fast as I rose to fame, I fell from grace. After being outed as a fraud on national TV, I became a pariah, an Untouchable. I was Alan Dershowitz at a Martha’s Vineyard Party: uninvited.
Overnight, I lost 3 million followers on Instagram. People posted videos of themselves unfollowing me. The Olsen Twins. Two thirds of the Jonas Brothers, Both Biebers. All the Jolie/Pitt kids. The Jacksons. The Simpsons. The worst was when my idol Khloe Kardashian clicked the unfollow button.
KHLOE KARDASHIAN: Girl, bye.
CARLÖTTA VO: Oh my God. I…was…cancelled.
THEME SONG
CARLÖTTA VO: Dear Diary, oh wait, I forgot, I burned you to ashes last night on the barbeque. All I could do was talk to Dave.
CARLÖTTA: (crying) What a world, what a world!
DAVE: Listen, we just need to strategize.
CARLÖTTA: How do you strategize a nuclear winter? Where do we even start?
DAVE: Well, there’s good news and bad news. What’ll it be?
CARLÖTTA: I only want the good news.
DAVE: Let’s start with the bad news. You’ve been cancelled from the appearances on the AMAs, the BMAs, the CMAs, the VMAs plus the Oscars reinstated their lifelong ban of you.
CARLÖTTA: Tell the truth, there is no good news is there?
DAVE: Of course there is. Let’s see, just today we got an offer from, where is it? It’s in here somewhere. Here it is … drumroll! You got an offer from the new hit game show…drumroll…drumroll…
CARLÖTTA: There’s not going to be a drumroll. Just say it.
DAVE: Ready? Are you girding your loins?
CARLÖTTA: For God sakes, spit it out.
DAVE: There’s an offer from the new hit game show: Eat Shit or Die!
CARLÖTTA: What?
DAVE: Here’s the blurb: “In this tension packed show, desperate contestants must make a choice between 2 incredible options. Either they eat shit or….”
CARLÖTTA: …or they die? That’s it? That’s the toilet where my career now finds itself?
DAVE: Try to be open-minded.
CARLÖTTA: Open-minded? It’s like being open-minded about 50 feral hogs in a yoga class.
DAVE: It’s hugely popular in the rural TV markets.
CARLÖTTA: So is lyme disease. Ok, humor me, how exactly does one win on Eat Shit or Die?
DAVE: Well, you die. No, actually maybe that’s how you lose. Ah, I didn’t really get into the nitty gritty with the show’s casting rep.
CARLÖTTA: Please tell me it’s at least Celebrity Eat Shit or Die.
DAVE: Umm…
CARLÖTTA: Dave?
DAVE: Ah, no, it’s…it’s the regular.
CARLÖTTA VO: Dear Whoever Can Hear My Inner Thoughts: as I was traipsing through the apocalypse that was my career, I wondered what I could do. Do I go back to dog-walking? Go back to being a barista? Suddenly, I had a genius idea!
CARLÖTTA: Apology video.
DAVE: Now you’re talking!
CARLÖTTA: We post it on YouTube.
DAVE: I met a guy at my talent rep seminar. He directs apology videos.
CARLÖTTA: Directs them? That’s a thing? I thought you just hold up a cell phone and cry.
DAVE: No, they’re totally art directed to look that way. It’s a whole genre, you know.
CARLÖTTA: So Dave and I met with his apology video contact: Gustav. He worked on all the big apology videos: Justin Bieber, Paula Dean, Logan Paul. It was worth a shot.
GUSTAV: OK, places everyone. Now, Carlötta, in this scene you are very sad that you have deceived the world. This deep sorrow lives inside your heart and makes your mascara run.
CARLÖTTA: But I really am very sad and I do feel terrible.
GUSTAV: Oh, ok, so you’re a method actor. I can work with that.
CARLÖTTA: No, you don’t understand. I really, really am sorry.
GUSTAV: I get it, Joaquin Phoenix, but let’s not waste it on the rehearsal. Makeup, can we add more dark circles under her eyes? More desperation. Ok, ready…everyone…and action!
CARLÖTTA: Hi, this is Carlötta Beautox and I have a special message for all my fans.
GUSTAV: Cut. Carlötta, let’s go again. Imagine you have 2 children and the Nazis want to take one of them but you have to pick which one they take. How does that sound?
CARLÖTTA: That sounds like the plot of Sophie’s Choice.
GUSTAV: Exactly. Ok, everyone back to one. Action!
CARLÖTTA: Hi, this is Carlötta Beautox and I’m really sad because of the Nazis.
GUSTAV: Cut! Ok, ok. You, darling, are no Paula Dean.
CARLÖTTA VO: Dear Voice in my head, well it took all day but by the end of it, we managed to finish the apology video.
CARLÖTTA: (crying on video) “I’m sitting here without any makeup to tell you guys, my fans, that this has been so hard. The bottom of my heart hurts and I’m so sorry to have misled you.”
DAVE: That seems really sincere.
CARLÖTTA: That’s because I am really sincere.
DAVE: Let’s post it. And, uploading…done!
WHOOSH! VIDEO UPLOADED
CARLÖTTA: Now we just have to wait and let the magic of social media make everything right in the world.
PING PING PING!
DAVE: Wow that took a hot second. Let’s see. Uh-oh.
CARLÖTTA VO: Dear Mental Diary: I was trending again but this time it was because of how insincere my apology video was.
DAVE: Let’s see: “Everyone who ever loved you was wrong”, “It’s the Kevin Jonas of apology videos.” OK, look, it’s just some initial negativity. The haters are always the first to speak up.
CARLÖTTA: Ugh.
DAVE: Wait! Here’s a positive one from this guy who reviews these things. It’s like the Rotten Tomatoes for apology videos. He gave us a 5 out of 5!
CARLÖTTA: 5 out of 5? That’s good!
DAVE: Listen: “This apology video of Carlötta Beautox is fantastic…in its awfulness. A must watch. We give it 5 out of 5 crocodile tears.”
CARLÖTTA: I’m Job from the celebrity bible.
DAVE: Well there is one other thing…
CARLÖTTA: Is it good news or bad news because I literally can’t take any more bad news.
DAVE: It’s good news! Lifetime wants to do a movie of your scandal, I mean, your story.
CARLÖTTA: Lifetime? Ok, I can live with that. Maybe when people see me on screen, I can reset the narrative and earn some sympathy…
DAVE: Ok I have bad news.
CARLÖTTA: Oh, for God’s sake! I thought we were in the good news portion of the program.
DAVE: You’re not playing yourself.
CARLÖTTA: What? But who can play Carlötta Beautox better than Carlötta Beautox?
DAVE: Apparently Lori Laughlin.
CARLÖTTA: Lori Laughlin? The college-admissions- scandal-Lori Laughlin? Aunt Frigging Becky? I thought her career was over?
DAVE: It is. That’s what she’s playing you in a movie on Lifetime.
CARLÖTTA: This is terrible.
DAVE: I dunno, I think it’s a smart career move. People love a comeback and this is Lori Laughlin’s year!
CARLÖTTA: Dave! What about my comeback??
DAVE: Oh yeah.
CARLÖTTA: Listen, I can’t deal with this anymore. I need space. Some alone time in nature.
DAVE: Great idea! A walk in the woods. Like Hilary! Just don’t get lost.
NATURE SOUNDS, WALKING, BIRDS
CARLÖTTA VO: Dear Imaginary Diary – Don’t get lost? As if. I have a phone with GPS. No one gets lost anymore. I needed to think deep thoughts. I needed off the grid. So, I came up to the Angeles National Forest, to hike and to think about my life.
CARLÖTTA: Oh, Carlötta, what a dumpster fire our life has turned into.
CARLÖTTA VO: I walked and walked. I thought about my life and all this celebrity seeking. Why? What was I looking for after all? Was it love? Acceptance? Meaning? After soul searching for hours, I came to a stunning realization.
CARLÖTTA: I’m lost! Crap! And I don’t have a phone signal! Um, let me head back. I think I parked in this direction.
RUNNING, THRASHING IN THE WOODS
CARLÖTTA VO: Being one with nature is amazing and all but at this point, I’d prefer to be one with my car!
CARLÖTTA: Oh I remember this tree! I think. I turned left here. Yes.
RUNNING, THRASHING
CARLÖTTA: Or did I turn right? Let me double-back.
RUNNING, THRASHING
CARLÖTTA: This doesn’t look right. Time to triple back.
CARLÖTTA VO: Of all the stupid situations I’d gotten myself into, this had to be the dumbest. I was completely lost. The sun had set, and it was getting dark.
CARLÖTTA: Where am I? Hellllo!!! I don’t have any water. Does anyone have a signal?
CARLÖTTA VO: This was bad, diary in my head. I was exhausted, and starving. I found some berries to munch on.
CARLÖTTA: Yuck. Bitter. But at least they’re Keto friendly.
CARLÖTTA VO: Weary and desperate, I laid down on a pile of leaves.
CARLÖTTA: (crying…) Why? Why? Why have you forsaken me Hollywood? What did I do wrong? I was so dedicated to my craft. I worked all the red carpets! I kept carbs to a minimum! (Yawn) Whew…I’m so tired all of a sudden. So tired. Maybe just close my eyes for a minute. (snore)
LULLABY MUSIC
CARLÖTTA VO: Dear whoever’s listening: I must have drifted off there in the woods. I had some super trippy dreams where I was sitting on Erik Estrada’s lap wearing a baby one-sie. To clarify: that’s what he was wearing. But then, suddenly, I heard a noise…
ANIMAL GROWL
CARLÖTTA VO: I woke and found myself face to face with a cougar!
CARLÖTTA: (waking) Oh! Oh no.
CARLÖTTA VO: I’m not talking the LuLuLemon-wearing, Huntington Beach kind of cougar. I’m talking the 4-legged wild animal kind.
CARLÖTTA: Jesus take the wheel!
CARLÖTTA VO: This is it. It’s over. Just then, my life flashed before my eyes: my parents, my childhood, first kiss, first liposuction, first caramel macchiato. I closed my eyes and waited for death.
COUGAR: So, is this how you want it to end? With me ripping your throat out?
CARLÖTTA: What? Who said that?
COUGAR: Just one kitty talking to another.
CARLÖTTA: You can talk? How do you know my real name?
COUGAR: I know everything about you, Kitty. I’ve always known.
CARLÖTTA: But how?
COUGAR: I am your fairy God cougar. Your spirit animal.
CARLÖTTA: Spirit animal. Like Khloe Kardashian?
COUGAR: That bitch was never your spirit animal, child. She could only guide you to a better lip liner. Having a cougar for your spirit animal teaches you how to live authentically. Look it up on Wikipedia if you don’t believe me.
CARLÖTTA: I would but I don’t have a signal right now. Tell me, are you going to kill me?
COUGAR: Depends. Are you ready to give up?
CARLÖTTA: I’m not sure.
COUGAR: That’s like, not really the correct answer. So let’s try again: are you ready to give up?
CARLÖTTA: No?
COUGAR: Then listen, girl, and listen well for I must be blunt. Your insecurities played you like a piano, and the tune was pathetic.
CARLÖTTA: I don’t know what you mean.
COUGAR: You put your self-worth in the hands of randos. You mistook Instagram likes for love and thumbs up for proof you matter.
CARLÖTTA: God, this is just what Dave was hinting at.
COUGAR: Dave is not the idiot he appears to be. Well, ok, maybe a little bit.
CARLÖTTA: But Fairy God Cougar, I had so many likes and it felt wonderful. Until they turned on me.
COUGAR: Yes. And they always turn. There is one person though who will never turn on you.
CARLÖTTA: Dave?
COUGAR: You, child. You have to be the one who loves you most.
CARLÖTTA: How do I do that Fairy God Cougar?
COUGAR: You must pass a test. Now answer wisely. What do you do when life gives you lemons?
CARLÖTTA: You make lemonade?
COUGAR: Wrong. You punch it in the face. And what happens when the going gets tough?
CARLÖTTA: The tough get going?
COUGAR: Wrong. The tough punch the going in the face.
CARLÖTTA: I think I’m getting it.
COUGAR: Good girl. Now go and take back your life.
CARLÖTTA: But what if I can’t do it? What if it’s too hard?
COUGAR: Self respect’s a bitch! And now, Carlötta Beautox, so are you!
CARLÖTTA: Whoa! You are hella deep, Fairy God Cougar. I feel like a lady boss already.
COUGAR: Now move your ass before I change my mind.
CARLÖTTA VO: So Dear diary in my head, I stumbled out of the LA forest, dehydrated, scratched up, missing a shoe and I never felt more alive! I flagged down a passing car.
CAR STOPPING SOUND EFFECTS
DRIVER: Where you headed?
CARLÖTTA: Back to my center!
CARLÖTTA VO: Hollywood chewed me up and spit me out. And they got pretty close to finishing Carlötta Beautox for good. But I changed that night in the forest, I went in weak and I came out strong. I had zero fucks left to give.
I got myself a brand-new diary because I had a brand new story to tell. I was ready for my comeback, Mr. DeMille. That’s right, Carlötta Beautox is coming back! To punch Hollywood right in its stupid face.
We’ll see you next season dear listeners because this influencer-ess is in need of a serious hiatus. Toodles!