EPISODE 205 MUSIC AND SFX CREDITS
ORIGINAL MUSIC:
“Carlotta Beautox Theme” by Music by Jesse Billson. Lyrics by Ann Sloan
"Tropes" by Music by Peter McEvilley. Lyrics by Ann Sloan
"Bowler's Rap" Music by Peter McEvilley. Lyrics by Ann Sloan
"Social Media Blues" Music by Peter McEvilley. Lyrics by Ann Sloan
“Carlotta's Jazzy Lament” by Music by Jesse Billson. Lyrics by Ann Sloan
"Tropes Reprise" by Music by Peter McEvilley. Lyrics by Ann Sloan
LIBRARY MUSIC:
"Thinking Music" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
Licence: CC BY
(http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
SFX: From FreeSound.org for complete credits visit our website: www.CarlottaPodcast.com
S: Room tone with small ticking clock by Maurice_J_K -- https://freesound.org/s/352310/ -- License: Attribution Noncommercial
transcript
CARLÖTTA VO: In movies and in tv, there are the points in the story where the ups turn to downs, and the downs turn to ups. It’s called the story arc. Well, dear fans, story arcs don’t just happen in fiction, they happen in real life too. We’ve all lived through bad episodes that eventually turn to good. These curves in life keep us on our toes, and that gives us a chance to grow. Who knows? Maybe God’s actually a writer. And maybe we’re all just actors trying to find our motivation.
OPENING THEME SONG
CARLÖTTA VO: So, if we’re talking story arcs, let’s talk mine: I started out a total unknown, just a nameless nobody in Hollywood trying to become a star. Then, in a case of mistaken identity, I actually became famous. Overnight. And full confession? I am enjoying every minute of it. It is just perfect. In fact, it’s all a little too perfect. I know the story arc of my life can’t go on like this forever. I know I am headed toward a downturn. And you know what? I am not ready. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.
DAVE: Carlötta, your house was broken into. I know this isn’t a great turn of events but it’s not the end of the world.
CARLÖTTA: It could be, Dave. My house was likely broken into by the stalker-troll who has been haunting me on Twitter.
DAVE: The Carlötta Fauxtox account?
CARLÖTTA: Yes! They tweeted that they know I’m a fraud. I may be on the verge of being exposed, Dave.
DAVE: Paranoid, much?
CARLÖTTA: My spidey sense is all a’tingle. Trust me, this break-in is bigger than it seems.
DAVE: You don’t know that. Anyway, you haven’t even talked to the police.
CARLÖTTA: And I’m not going to.
DAVE: You have to deal with this no matter what comes of it. What are you going to do, just hide from the inevitable?
CARLÖTTA: Not hide. Just delay. I need to take my mind off it. I need a distraction.
DAVE: No distractions! You have to face the music, Carlötta!
CARLÖTTA: Whoa! Dave! You’re a genius.
DAVE: I know! But, remind me again, specifically why?
CARLÖTTA: Because you just gave me a lightbulb moment! What if…what if we do a musical? As a distraction from the crap tornado that’s about to twist my life apart.
DAVE: A musical?
CARLÖTTA: Sure like, I sing, then you sing, and then…
DAVE: I know what a musical is…I’m just asking why would we do that? What’s the justification? By what possible reason would you and I just do a musical?
SONG: “TROPES”
(INTRO)
CARLÖTTA (talk): --It’s a crazy conceit why we break into song. What’s the why? What’s the reason?
DAVE (talk) Is it just ‘cause we’re mid-season?
CARLÖTTA: (talk) When you really think about it Dave, It’s a trope!
CARLÖTTA: (sing) Tropes! When your show is out of hope!
DAVE: (sing) We could sing!
CARLÖTTA: (sing) When the writer is all “nope!”
DAVE: (sing) Jazz hands!
CARLÖTTA: (sing) I have no new ideas,
so let’s swallow our fears
and lean into a pre-dict-able trope.”
DAVE: Sing!
CARLÖTTA: (sing) The downloads it will bring!
DAVE: Lookout Broadway!
CARLÖTTA: (sing) It’s a thing we have to wing…
DAVE: This is easy!
CARLÖTTA: (sing) …because we cannot flee
this even-tual-ity.
So let’s make this musical a thi-ing.
CHORUS:
It’s an upbeat change of pace
Let’s just hope we don’t lose face.
When we put our show to song.
It may turn all kinds of wrong.
But we can’t just let this talent go to waste.
DAVE (TALKING): I don’t know Carlötta, is this smart?
CARLÖTTA: Relax. Eventually every show does a musical episode.
DAVE: But is it smart?
CARLÖTTA: How would I know?
CHORUS
CARLÖTTA (SING) We may just miss the mark
like when Fonzi jumped the shark.
When we set our show to song
it may turn all kinds of wrong
but a musical will happen before long!
DAVE: Tropes!
CARLÖTTA: (sing) It’s the cliché thing to do.
DAVE: I love clichés!
CARLÖTTA: (sing) When there’s nothing left to lose.
And when it’s end of day,
there’s one thing left to say:
If you don’t jump the shark,
Then the shark jumps you.
TOGETHER (SING) The shark jumps you.
The shark jumps you.
(END SONG)
DAVE: Wow. Did we just lose our musical virginity?
CARLÖTTA: There’s no putting the toothpaste back in the tube.
DAVE: Ok, so if we’re talking story arcs. Maybe we should talk about mine.
CARLÖTTA: Yours? I know all about your story. You recently found out from a DNA test that your father was a British aristocrat. And now, you’re the heir to a great fortune. Boom. End of story.
DAVE: No. Not end of story. I’m talking before that happened, my life BC: Before Carlötta. You know, my origin story.
CARLÖTTA: Origin story? Why do I feel I’m about to find out?
RAP SONG “STAY IN YOUR LANE (BOWLER’S RAP)”
DAVE (RAPS) I got an origin story,
and I’m sorry not sorry.
But the details of this?
There’s not a whole lot of glory.
I’m just a regular guy,
so don’t be all surprised,
When I drop the raw truth
that I come from Van Nuys.
Expectations they were low,
pretty much from the jump.
“You won’t ever be a doctor, Dave,
just more of a chump.
Find a building you can manage,
you can work a sump pump.
‘cause if we may be blunt,
You won’t escape this dump.”
(GREEK CHORUS)
“Stay in your lane, Dave,
don’t be insane Dave.
I don’t really wanna scare ya,
but this life will strike and spare ya
Stay in your lane, Dave.
Don’t be insane, Dave.”
So--
I found my soul in bowling,
it’s the thing that ace’d
When my shiny balls were rolling,
no one else could keep pace.
I was king of the pins,
the crown prince of the alley.
I had so many wins,
a calculator couldn’t tally.
A landlord by day
and a bowler by night
But if we’re talking truth,
it was less than all right.
What I wanted was bigger,
to become a star maker
When you got no connections,
All you are is a faker.
(GREEK CHORUS)
“Stay in your lane, Dave,
don’t be insane Dave.
I don’t really wanna scare ya,
but this life will strike and spare ya
Stay in your lane, Dave.
Don’t be insane, Dave.”
In the north of Hollywood
one fateful night
In strolled an actress,
and this girl was a’ight
She was clueless and willing,
then the planets aligned
That’s when Kitty Kinnicki
became the client I signed.
(CHORUS)
Don’t stay in your lane, nope,
Don’t stay in your lane
Life will strike but it won’t spare ya
so do something that will scare ya.
Stay in your lane. Nope.
Don’t stay in your lane.
(END SONG)
CARLÖTTA: Wow. I had no idea you could rap.
DAVE: I got a lot of layers, Carlötta. I’m an onion.
CARLÖTTA: And I think you just made a bunch of people cry.
DAVE: Thank you?
CARLÖTTA: Hey listen, I have a great idea! Why don’t get back to talking about me?
DAVE: Really? The whole world’s been talking about you. Don’t you ever get tired of it?
CARLÖTTA: Who are you and what have you done with Dave? You’re my manager, you’re supposed to help me get attention!
DAVE: There’s such a thing as overexposure. You have millions of followers on social media, they track your every move and judge everything you do.
CARLÖTTA: And?
DAVE: And, not for nothing, but you seem to be living for the likes.
CARLÖTTA: Well, duh. That’s the point! Validation!
DAVE: You could tarnish the brand.
CARLÖTTA: You’re so stuffy since you became an aristocrat.
DAVE: I’m sorry, but you’re never going to convince me that putting it all out on social media is a good idea.
CARLÖTTA: Really? Not even with a 12-bar blues number? Hit it boys!
SONG “SOCIAL MEDIA BLUES”
VERSE 1
You’re gonna like me baby
You’re gonna follow all my posts
The instant you go on Instagram
You’ll emoticon me most.
Follow me like messiah
My influence is greater
Got content so consumable
‘Cause I’m a damn creator!
CHORUS
Social media, you can’t spell it.
You can’t spell it without me.
My filters make me shiny
The best version I can be.
MUSICAL INTERLUDE
(Talk) Now listen up here and listen good,
I am an influencer
So let me influence you
To this sick beat
(scats)
CHORUS
Social media, you can’t spell it.
You can’t spell it without “I”
My selfies are perfection
My duck-face the reason why.
VERSE 2
I’m all about the hashtags
For brands I’ll sell my soul
I have followers in the millions
Even got a Twitter troll
My history’s in the cloud, baby
There’s nothing I can delete
I boomerang my life away
I’m living tweet to tweet
CHORUS
Social media, you can’t spell it.
You can’t spell it without me.
My filters make me shiny
Nothing here you can’t un-see.
END SONG
DAVE: Just be careful. That’s all I’m saying. Being all-in on social media--it can backfire.
CARLÖTTA: I’m a grown-ass woman, Dave. I know the risks. But connecting with fans, it’s a huge part of the dream. Don’t take that from me.
SONG: CARLOTTA’S WISTFUL THEME (SLOW PIANO COVER OF OPENING THEME SONG)
CARLÖTTA: (sing) I came away from Jersey
and I made my dreams come real.
The love I get from randos
really gets me in my feels.
Celebrity’s been awesome
and the perks are very nice…
But the thing they never tell you
DAVE: …Is it all comes with a price…
(END SONG)
CARLÖTTA: Ok, Lord Buzzkill.
DAVE: I’m a realist.
CARLÖTTA: Whatever.
DAVE: Speaking of being a realist, don’t you think it’s time we got back to the story? We left your fans with quite a cliffhanger. Maybe we owe them the next twist in the story?
CARLÖTTA: You’re talking about the fact that my house got broken into and what that all means?
DAVE: You have to talk to the police. Nothing’s can move forward until you deal with this.
CARLÖTTA: You’re right.
DAVE: Are you ready?
CARLÖTTA: Kind of. Sort of. Almost? We have one more thing we need to do though.
DAVE: And that is?
CARLÖTTA: A reprise!
DAVE: Here we go again.
CARLÖTTA: In musical theater, a reprise is a repetition of an earlier song usually with changed lyrics and shortened music to reflect the development of the story.
DAVE: You sound like you copied that from WikiPedia.
CARLÖTTA: I didn’t copy it from Wiki. I copied and pasted.
DAVE: A reprise, huh? Let me guess, it’s all just part of the trope?
SONG: “TROPES REPRISE”
CARLÖTTA: (sings) Tropes! It’s the cliché thing for sure.
Just a thing we must endure
Before we turn to dust
there’s one thing to discuss:
TOGETHER (SING) We chose to jump the shark before
The shark jumped us!
The shark jumped us!
The shark jumped us!
END EPISODE