EPISODE 203 — MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS
MUSIC:
“Carlotta Beautox Theme” by Jesse Billson for Sonic Librarian. Lyrics by Ann Sloan
"Circus Waltz" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
“Cinematic (Sting)” byTwin Musicomis licensed under a Creative Commons Attributionlicense (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)Artist:http://www.twinmusicom.org/
"Pop Goes the Weasel" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
Licence: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
News Theme by Kevin MacLeod is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/) Artist: http://incompetech.com/
"Scheming Weasel (faster version)" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"Evening Melodrama" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"March of the Spoons" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
SFX: From FreeSound.org for complete credits visit our website: www.CarlottaPodcast.com
episode 203 - transcript
“Carlötta Goes to the Oscars”
CARLÖTTA VO: Today’s diary entry is about “The Important Things in Life.” Now, I’m not talking about cashmere bras or having a signature scent. Those things are important, of course! I’m talking about deeper things. I’m talking about the importance of a support team. This isn’t a suggestion, friends. It’s a command from me to you. Find people who have your back -- but make sure they also have your front, your sides, your whole enchilada. Welcome to the Carlötta Beautox Chronicles
SHOW THEME
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, due to recent changes in my financial situation, I found myself able to increase my support staff. Dave’s no longer the only one who takes care of me. Now, I have a brand-new personal assistant named Amy.
TRAFFIC NOISE, HORNS
AMY: Ok, Ms. Beautox are you ready?
CARLÖTTA: Amy, you really don’t have to call me Ms. Beautox. Carlötta is fine.
AMY: Carlötta. And please, call me Basic Amy. My friends do.
CARLÖTTA: Well, I think we qualify as BFFs so Basic Amy it is. How do I look?
AMY: Perfect. Hair, makeup, dress. Perfect. Just breathe and rest assured that I am steps away. If there is anything at all you need, I got your back.
CARLÖTTA: Thank you, Basic Amy. You’re a godsend, the best assistant I’ve never had. The only assistant I’ve ever had.
AMY: OK, this is you. Limo door opening…here we go! Knock ‘em dead!
LIMO DOOR OPENS, CROWD NOISE.
MARIA: Carlötta Beautox! Carlötta Beautox! Over here! Over here!
FLURRY OF CAMERA FLASHES
CARLÖTTA VO: For an actor, there’s no stretch of earth as sacred as a red carpet. It’s a like a river of plushy possibility that carries the lucky traveler toward paradise: namely, the press gaggle.
REPORTER 1: Carlötta, can we have a word?
MARIA: Get out of my way, I’m talking to her first.
REPORTER 2: Carlötta Beautox, who are you wearing?
CARLÖTTA VO: Today I wasn’t just sailing down any red carpet. I was on THE red carpet, the Nile of red carpets. I, Carlötta Beautox, was at the Oscars and the press wanted to talk…to me!
MARIA: Maria Mimosa here, we are live on E! with the one and only Carlötta Beautox, America’s newest megastar. Tell us, Carlötta who are you wearing?
CARLÖTTA: I am wearing an original YaYa.
MARIA: For you Philistines watching pathetically at home in your hideous living rooms, YaYa is the former event planner turned clothing designer.
CARLÖTTA: That’s right. YaYa is the hybrid’s hybrid. He does absolutely everything.
MARIA: Let us talk about this dress. It’s sort of party in the front, even bigger party in the back.
CARLÖTTA: We wanted to make a statement. The skirt is made from recycled bicycle innertubes because you know, climate change.
MARIA: So important.
CARLÖTTA: And the top is covered in shredded copies of the Constitution, because you know, the end of democracy. The train, as you can see, is made of real bananas because…well, I’m not sure why.
MARIA: And the headpiece…are those hermit crabs?
CARLÖTTA: Exactly. It’s a fully functioning hermit crab circus which you can hire for parties. They’re repped by my team at Aristocracy Management.
MARIA: There’s even a trapeze. What a marvel!
CARLÖTTA: It’s a metaphor for Hollywood, you know?
MARIA: Indeed. I mean, has anyone ever come to the Oscars with crabs before?
CARLÖTTA: I don’t know. Maybe Harvey Weinstein? I’m spit-balling.
MARIA: And let’s talk about your arm candy. You are here with Crash Dashman, Hollywood stuntman turned director, turned state’s evidence, and then turned back to stuntman. Talk about a hybrid! Crash, tell us, who are you wearing tonight?
CRASH: Fuck off!
MARIA: (uncomfortable laugh) Nothing like live TV! Crash, you’ve been called the non-thinking man’s Jason Stathem. Any thoughts on that?
CRASH: (Grunts)
MARIA: Any thoughts at all? Anything?
CRASH: Fuck off!
MARIA: Ok, back to Carlötta. Correct me if I’m wrong, this must be your first Oscars…am I right?
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, this, in fact, was NOT my first Oscars. I had been here 5 years ago, and it had been a disaster. To tell this nightmare we have to go back in time. Whoa! Is that a flashback I’m hearing?
FLASHBACK SOUND EFFECTS
CARLÖTTA VO: The year was 2014 and I was hired as a seat filler at the Oscars. Most civilians don’t know this, but award shows actually hire people to fill the seats of stars when they go off to tinkle. Evidently, famous people like to keep their fannies warm.
PRODUCTION ASST. OK, people, we got a nature call in sector B! Faye Dunaway is on the move. Repeat Faye Dunaway on the move. We need a female seat filler in sector bravo, aisle 4, seat two two. Go, go, go.
CARLÖTTA VO: Being the consummate professional, I was determined to be the best damn seat warmer in Oscar history. I wanted to make sure any celebrity whose seat I was parked in would return to find it nice and toasty warm.
PRODUCTION ASST. You. Toots. What are you waiting for? Get moving.
CARLÖTTA VO: So you know those blue warming gel packs? The ones that prevent frost bite? I shoved a couple of those down the back of my spanks.
And I started off to warm Faye Dunaway’s seat.
PRODUCTION ASST. C’mon. Let’s go. Faye Dunaway’s just gone to take a slash, she’s not out running a marathon.
CARLÖTTA VO: As I settled into her seat, it dawned on me: I, Carlötta Beautox, was finally in the room where it happens, sitting amongst the world’s biggest stars. There was Charlize, and there was George and Amal, over there Angelina. And let me tell you, my ass was hot! Literally hot from the heat packs!
FAYE: You, total no one: get out of my seat. Now!
CARLÖTTA VO: Faye was back from the loo, and I was proud to say I’d done my job. Her seat was nice and warm.
CARLÖTTA: Miss Dunaway, it was an honor. Let me just say I am a huge fan, I love …
FAYE: Who is this human stain and why is she addressing me? Will someone handle this?
CARLÖTTA: Oh sorry, sorry. I’m so sorry.
CARLÖTTA VO: As I hurried to the back of the theater to await my next assignment, something felt wrong, something felt wet.
CARLÖTTA: Oh no, oh my God, my Spanks are leaking. The gel packs! Holy crap, where’s the bathroom?
CARLÖTTA VO: I went into the ladies and straddled the Dyson hand dryer in an attempt to dry the back of my dress…
HAND DRYER BLOWING
CARLÖTTA VO: And then, all of a sudden…
DOOR BURST OPEN
FAYE: You. You bitch. You cretin. I’m going to kill you! This is vintage Valentino and you ruined it. It’s ruined. You sabotaged me, you little nothing! Me! I’m Faye Dunaway!
CARLÖTTA VO: It was true! Faye Dunaway’s beautiful pink gown was stained across the booty with blue dye!
CARLÖTTA: I’m sorry Ms. Dunaway, I had gel packs in my spanks and they leaked.
FAYE: I work and work 'til I'm half-dead and what do I get? A seat-filler who cares as much about the beautiful dresses I wear as she cares about me. What are blue gel packs doing in your Spanks? ANSWER ME!
CARLÖTTA: It seemed like a good idea at the time? (cries)
FAYE: No. Blue. Gel packs. Ever.
SLAPPING SOUNDS
CARLÖTTA: Stop slapping me! Faye Dearest, stop slapping me. Nooooooo!!!
FAYE: No. Blue. Gel packs. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever.
CARLÖTTA: Nooooooooo!!!!!
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, some days I can still feel Faye Dunaway slapping at me like 12-year-old boy who just discovered his crotch. The horror. That was how my disastrous first trip to the Oscars went down. Before the night was over, I’d been banned by the Academy for life!
FLASHBACK END SOUNDEFFECTS
CARLÖTTA VO: But now, 5 years later, I was a bona fide celebrity. The Oscars cancelled their ban and I was invited back, VIP no less!
MARIA: Correct me if I’m wrong, Carlötta Beautox but this must be your first Oscars…am I right?
CARLÖTTA: Something like that, yeah.
MARIA: Well enjoy your evening.
CARLÖTTA VO: Yes Diary, I planned to! I was loved, respected, and on the arm of a movie star. And just like Brangelina, Bennifer, and Kimye--Crash Dashman and I even had a Hollywood couple name.
REPORTERS: CarCrash! CarCrash! Over here! Over here!
Big smiles! That’s it.
PHOTOS POPPING OFF
CARLÖTTA VO: Later that night at the Governors’ Ball, Crash stayed outside and randomly beat up parking valets.
FIGHT SOUND EFFECTS
CARLÖTTA VO: But I was inside with my assistant, Basic Amy, at my side. She hand fed me Wolfgang Puck appetizers. Then, all of a sudden, out of the corner of my eye…
FAYE: You. It’s you.
CARLÖTTA: Miss…Miss Faye Dunaway. Oh, how nice to meet you.
FAYE: Don’t give me that crap. We’ve met before. Don’t deny it.
CARLÖTTA: Oh, I’m sorry, look, it was all just a very big misunderstanding.
FAYE: Darling, of course! I had no idea I was part of one of your art installations. I just wish I knew at the time, I could have pulled my punches a little, you know? Gone a little easier on the slapping.
CARLÖTTA: Oh, yes! No worries. It…it was all part of the experience.
FAYE: Well, it was brilliant. Truly. Such an honor to be a co-creator with you, even unwittingly.
CARLÖTTA: The honor was mine.
FAYE: Artist to artist, I have a huge favor to ask. If it’s not too much, is it possible, for you to do something viral to me? Isn’t that what the kids call it?
CARLÖTTA: Viral?
FAYE: Yes, I don’t know, something that will get me trending on that Twitter thing. Last time anyone talked about me was that whole La La Land debacle.
CARLÖTTA: Well, I’d love to pay it forward, what do you have in mind?
FAYE: Perhaps could you could spit on me, or maybe hurl tuna tartare at me and we can post the video. I am totally collaborative.
CARLÖTTA: Oh, I don’t know. I mean…
FAYE: Anything at all would help. You could spray paint my face…
CARLÖTTA: I don’t know.
FAYE: …or set my lips on fire?
CARLÖTTA: That sounds extreme!
FAYE: …or perhaps you could fart in my general direction? Although that might not be visual enough.
CARLÖTTA: No, no, I’m sorry, I’m sorry Faye Dunaway…I gotta go.
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, wow, Faye Dunaway was so desperate! As I broke away, she continued to yell suggestions:
FAYE: Do you know I once hurled a jar of urine at Roman Polanski? Google it, you’ll see! Perhaps you can do something like that?
CARLÖTTA: (calling out) Bye Faye! Good luck!
CARLÖTTA VO: It was time to get the hell out of the Governors’ Ball. I searched for Crash only to hear that he’d been arrested for punching out Betty White. So, I got my driver and headed back to Van Nuys. I wanted to see Dave. I needed some clarity.
KNOCKING ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS
DAVE: Carlötta, pleasant surprise. I was just trimming my toe knuckle hair! See, sometimes guys need to do self-care as well. It’s called “manscaping”
CARLÖTTA: You don’t have to mansplain manscaping. I got it.
DAVE: I saw you at the Oscars. Looked good. Thanks for the plug by the way.
CARLÖTTA: Thanks for the use of the crabs. They’re so professional.
DAVE: They’re good guys.
CARLÖTTA: Can’t say the same for the movie stars though. Dave, what is it about fame makes people do crazy things? Do you think celebrity makes people become jerks?
DAVE: Nah. It’s the DNA. See, there’s an asshole gene. Some people are born with it, some without. Becoming famous, it doesn’t automatically make you an asshole. If you have the asshole gene, it just lies dormant until fame activates it.
CARLÖTTA: I’m afraid to ask.
DAVE: Relax. You, Carlötta Beautox, were born without it. Of this I am certain.
CARLÖTTA: Awww. That’s like, one of the nicest things anyone’s ever said to me. What about you?
DAVE: The nicest thing anyone ever said to me was that my bowling shoes smelled like carnations and tacos.
CARLÖTTA: No, I mean what about you…do you have the asshole gene?
DAVE: Oh! Before I found out I had aristocratic blood, I would have said no. Now, I’m not so sure. British aristocrats are a poncy lot of twits, you know.
CARLÖTTA: Crash Dashman’s got the A-hole gene.
DAVE: Honeymoon’s over?
CARLÖTTA: The whole relationship’s over. He’s a jerk.
DAVE: I could have told you.
CARLÖTTA: Why didn’t you?
DAVE: You have to learn these things for yourself.
CARLÖTTA: Passive aggressive much?
DAVE: No, it’s just part of the hero’s journey. Like what’s-her-face in that movie, oh what was it called? Chick named Dorothy, she goes to this place called Oz, meets a wizard? It was like the white Wiz.
CARLÖTTA: The Wizard of Oz?
DAVE: That’s it! She had the answer about how to get home all along. She just had to figure it out herself. It’s classic Joseph Campbell. The monomyth?
CARLÖTTA: Ok, in the space of 15 seconds your idiot went all savant again.
DAVE: It happens.
CARLÖTTA VO: Well diary, Dave was right yet again. Having a support staff is great but they can’t think for you and they can’t learn for you. Like figuring out what’s really important in life. That you have to do all by your lonesome. Anyway, thanks for sharing my adventures. Make sure you come back next time when I get a visit from my Aunt Flo! Toodles!!