episode 202 — MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS
MUSIC:
"Thinking Music" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com) Licence: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/) “Carlotta Beautox Theme” by Jesse Billson for Sonic Librarian.
Lyrics by Ann Sloan
"Cool Vibes" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
Licence: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"Umbrella Pants" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
Licence: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"Circus Waltz" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"Tango de Manzana" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"Wagner Bridal Chorus - piano" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com) License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
SFX: From FreeSound.org for complete credits visit our website: www.CarlottaPodcast.com
EPISODE 202 — TRANSCRIPT
Season 2 Episode 2 “Adulting: The Hollywood Edition”
CARLÖTTA: (singing) Happy anniversary to me…
DAVE AND CARLOTTA: (singing) …happy anniversary to me/you, happy anniversary to becoming famous, happy anniversary to that!
CARLÖTTA VO: Dear Diary, today is my 3 month-iversary! It’s been 3 months since I became famous, since the day my dreams came true, since my life changed forever. That means 3 months…to think about the perils of stardom, the pitfalls of celebrity and how my life… just went straight… to… hell-o! Psych! None of that happened! Becoming famous has been the greatest… thing… everrrrrr!!!!
THEME SONG
CARLÖTTA: Wow. 3 months. I can’t believe it, Dave. Life doesn’t look anything like it back in the spring when I was a nobody!
DAVE: No kidding. You have a new house down the street from the Kardashians! You’ve appeared on the Helen show…
CARLÖTTA I’ve been on the cover of Time! I’m Louboutin’s new brand ambassador…
DAVE: Not to mention, you’re huge in Saudi Arabia!
CARLOTTA: So much change!
DAVE: And so much exposition!
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, in the course of 3 short months, I got over my fear of being exposed as a fraud, over not really being a famous artist. And I owe it all to my manager Dave. You’d be surprised at the wisdom that falls from his lips.
DAVE: Carlötta, remember these 2 words: bellybutton gas.
CARLÖTTA VO: Ok, so they’re not all gems.
DAVE: Carlötta, remember these 2 words: Satoshi Nakamoto.
CARLÖTTA: Satoshi what?
DAVE: Not what…who. Satoshi Nakamoto. The supposed inventor of Bitcoin, the cryptocurrency.
CARLÖTTA: I heard of that, yeah.
DAVE: Satoshi Nakamoto has never been seen. No one knows who it is. Or even if he is. It might even be a bunch of people using the pseudonym. But every once in a while, someone crawls out of the woodwork claiming to be Satoshi Nakamoto. And it’s always debunked.
CARLÖTTA: Wow. That’s crazy.
DAVE: My theory? Satoshi Nakamoto doesn’t exist. He’s an urban legend. And I think it’s the same thing with this New Banksy artist guy.
CARLÖTTA: You don’t think they exist?
DAVE: I’m positive.
CARLÖTTA: So who did the artwork? Who spray painted Stonehenge, who painted a mustache on the Mona Lisa?
DAVE: Who knows? Maybe a bunch of random kids. But I’m telling you there is no New Banksy. Until now. You staked your claim. You’re the New Banksy. Why? Because no one else is.
CARLÖTTA: My mind is blown right now.
DAVE: And if someone comes forward and says they are…who’s gonna believe them?
CARLÖTTA: Man, some days you’re just all savant and hardly any idiot.
DAVE: I know, right?
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, if this was all make-believe, well, I’m an actress, I deal in make believe. I decided to treat this like it was another role. Once I wrapped my head around that, it all fell into place! And the money-making opportunities kept rolling in.
OFFICE SOUND EFFECTS, PHONES
DAVE: Aristocracy Management. Please hold. Aristocracy Management. Please hold. Aristocracy Management…
CARLÖTTA VO: My manager Dave was getting so many calls –
DAVE: Aristocracy Management, Dave speaking.
CARLÖTTA VO: …for sponsorship deals, licensing opportunities, TV show bookings, anything they pitched, we caught.
DAVE: Carlötta, there’s a producer in Boston, wants to develop a burlesque show based on your life: It’s called The Carlötta Blowtox Revue.
BURLESQUE SINGER: (singing) “I moved away from Jersey with a dream I must fulfill.”
DAVE: It could wind up on Broadway!
CARLÖTTA I could be the next Hamilton!
DAVE: Or even better, CATS!
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, my dreams were all coming true! And yet, there was something missing, a kind of hole in my heart, and with each passing day it became more clear. What I didn’t have was a special someone to spend my life with, someone to share the ups and downs, someone I could truly be vulnerable with. I decided it was time…. to find an assistant!
MUSIC TRANSITION
CARLÖTTA: So, it says here you worked with “Harry Banilow”?
ASSISTANT 1: I signed an NDR so I can’t tell you his real name.
CARLÖTTA: Right. And what a good job you’ve done masking his identity. So what was the most challenging thing about working for…Barry Mani…I mean, Harry Banilow?
ASSISTANT 1: I was responsible for polishing his gourds.
CARLÖTTA: Gourds?
ASSISTANT 1: He collects gourds.
CARLÖTTA: Oh. How cute is that? It’s so Etsy!
ASSISTANT 1: To have sex with. It’s a sex thing.
CARLÖTTA: Whoa! Kinky.
SWISH SOUND EFFECT
CARLÖTTA VO: But interviewing assistants was a grueling process!
ASSISTANT 2: Plus, this one time, she had me write all the names of her co-stars, you know from the View? I wrote them on little strips of paper. Then she made me put them in her cat box!
CARLÖTTA: And then the cat would pee on them?
ASSISTANT 2: No, then she peed on them. Did I mention, she liked to “go” in a cat box? On the regular.
CARLÖTTA: Holy cannoli!
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, this was crazy stuff. I even met the assistant to a top movie star. A total A-lister. This actor was real diva material. On a scale of zero to Kathryn Heigl: he was Christian Bale.
ASSISTANT 3: He made me smell his armpits before he hit the red carpet. If I smelled body odor he’d hit me with a shoe. If I didn’t smell body odor, he’d make me keep smelling until I did. It was a total Catch 22 of B.O.
CARLÖTTA: Jeez Louise! Pass the popcorn and tell me more!
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, this was juicy stuff, no doubt. And I like nothing better than listening to people spill the tea about celebrities. But I had to remind myself, this wasn’t tea being spilled. These were secrets and I had one…I had a big one!
ASSISTANT 2: She actually used to make soap from her liposuction-ed fat and gave it as Christmas gifts…
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, my entire celebrity was created on a lie, a case of mistaken identity. I couldn’t risk a loose-lipped assistant finding out! What was I going to do? I had to check in with Dave.
MUSIC TRANSITION
DOOR OPENS
DAVE: Carlötta! Is that you! Oh, I’m glad you’re here. Come in! I want you to meet my new client.
CARLÖTTA: Oh! How exciting!
FOOTSTEPS
CARLÖTTA: It’s so nice to meet you…oh, um, where’d they go?
DAVE: They’re right here!
CARLÖTTA: Where? Your office is empty.
DAVE: Right here, on my desk, in the aquarium.
CARLÖTTA: Oh!
DAVE: I just signed them. Aren’t they fantastic?
CARLÖTTA: These…are…crabs. They’re your new clients?
DAVE: It’s a hermit crab circus. The world’s first and only.
CARLÖTTA: Oh my God.
DAVE: I know, right? Guys, do your thing.
CIRCUS MUSIC BEGINS
DAVE: Isn’t that something? Look at the trapeze! He’s gonna catch the other one! Oh crap. He dropped him. Ok, so the act needs polishing.
CARLÖTTA But what happened to all the directors and writers you were going to rep? What about about the projects we were going to develop for me?
DAVE: Remember these 2 words: early adopter. This is the only hermit crab circus in the world! When this act takes off it’ll be huge.
CARLÖTTA: Hmmmm.
DAVE: Besides, Hollywood’s got more writers and directors than Comicon has nerd farts. We’ll sign some eventually.
CARLÖTTA Look, Dave, I’d love to stay and chat but…oh look! That one’s riding a bicycle! That’s amazing!
DAVE: See? I knew you’d come around.
CARLÖTTA: Ok. Um, listen…I have a meeting with a stylist about my Oscar dress.
DAVE: Cool. I got a meeting with a guy I’m thinking of signing, a Scott Disick impersonator!
CARLÖTTA: A Scott Disick what? Why? Oh, never mind.
MUSIC TRANSITION
YAYA Darling! I’ve arrived! It’s me YaYa! Air kiss air kiss. Wheeee!
CARLÖTTA: YaYa. It’s so good of you to do help me with my Oscar dress. I knew you were a celebrity party planner but didn’t know you were a stylist too!
YAYA: YaYa is everything darling: party planner to the stars, stylist to the stars, hairdresser to the stars, if it’s “to the stars” I’m it.
CARLÖTTA: Well I thank you for coming out to my new home. You’re my first guest.
YAYA: Yes, where the hell am I, anyway? It’s hotter than an American setting a thermostat in Europe.
CARLÖTTA: This is Calabasas. Down the street from Khloe Kardashian, where we first met.
YAYA: That’s right, Calabasas: the taint of the 101. Now, darling, YaYa doesn’t have all day. You wanted my opinion on some Oscar dresses?
CARLÖTTA: Yes. Over here. A bunch of designers sent gowns. Seems everyone wants to dress little old me.
YAYA: Well of course. You’re the shiny, new thing. You’re a school girl and the world is your Jeffrey Epstein. Oh, I’m sorry, too soon?
CARLÖTTA: Well here we are…I’ve narrowed it down to these 9. I like them all but I can’t make up my mind.
YAYA: Let YaYa be your mind. Marie Kondo your brain. Throw everything out that doesn’t give you joy. Now! Is it blank?
CARLÖTTA: Ok, erasing my brain. There. Done.
YAYA: That was quick. Now, the dresses.
CARLÖTTA: Great. Ok, first up is this Christian Siriani.
YAYA: This dress! I hate. Next.
CARLÖTTA: Oh, ok. Yes. Tom Ford sent this one. And I think…
CARLÖTTA: Oh, yeah, it wasn’t my fave. This one is Stella McCartney!
YAYA: It’s Ringo with 2 broken thumbs. Let’s drum up the next dress, shall we?
CARLÖTTA: Oh, um, ok, how about this vintage Galliano?
YAYA: And like a vintage abortion, it’s best left to a back room.
CARLÖTTA: Alexander McQueen?
YAYA: The Kevin Jonas of Oscar dresses.
CARLÖTTA: Dior?
YAYA: I don’t J’adore.
CARLÖTTA: Valentino?
YAYA: Ok, I’m actually having an out of body experience…
CARLÖTTA: Oh! That’s good!
YAYA: Because I just died from boredom. Next!
CARLÖTTA: Chanel Coutour?
YAYA: Ho-hum. As in something worn by hoe humming at a Karaoke bar in Burbank.
CARLÖTTA: Well, this is the last one: Versace.
YAYA: Ok now we’re talking! About how sad it is I had to pluck my eyes out because of this “gown”.
CARLÖTTA: Well, that’s it, there aren’t anymore. What am I going to wear to my first ever Oscars?
YAYA: Don’t worry darling. YaYa will fix this, yes? I bet you didn’t know I was also the designer to the stars!
CARLÖTTA: You are?
YAYA: And I have an idea for your look. This will be the most incredible dress, but I have to whisper in your ear because we must not risk spoilers. Plus, those bitches The Kardashians have spies everywhere.
WHISPER WHISPER
CARLÖTTA: Oh! That sounds wild! Are you sure?
YAYA: As sure as Bachelor in Paradise has Chlamydia! Just have your assistant get in touch.
CARLÖTTA: Oh, well, that’s a problem. I don’t have an assistant.
YAYA: How do you get on without an assistant? Who do you throw your cell phones at? Who polishes your gourds?
CARLÖTTA: Maybe you know someone, I mean, since you’re so well connected.
YAYA: I’m more connected than Mike Pence at a glory hole. What do you have in mind?
CARLÖTTA: My needs are basic. I just need someone to manage my schedule and occasionally order me a smoothie.
YAYA: Oof! So boring but I may have someone. She’s discreet, loyal, very good at keeping secrets.
CARLÖTTA: That’s exactly what I need.
YAYA: Do you? What secrets do you have Carlotta Beautox?
CARLÖTTA: Oh no secrets, not anymore! The world knows them all. Nothing here to see, haha, just move along.
YAYA: I see. Well, I’ll send someone over. She’s very basic which is why I call her Basic Amy. She comes with no surprises. A quality I abhor but you will like her.
CARLÖTTA: Thank you YaYa.
YAYA: Ok, now I’m ready to receive your praise. Compliment me as hard as you can!
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary, this was probably the most satisfying day of my stardom! I was getting both an Oscar dress and an assistant. It was adulting: the Hollywood edition. I liked it. Dare I say it? I am rocking this celebrity thing as I always knew I would! Love you for listening. Next time we talk…it’ll be at the Oscars! Mwah!