EPISODE 201 — MUSIC AND sound effects
MUSIC:
"Thinking Music" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com) Licence: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
“Carlotta Beautox Theme” by Jesse Billson for Sonic Librarian.
Lyrics by Ann Sloan
News Theme by Kevin MacLeod is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution license (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"Scheming Weasel (faster version)" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"Peppy Pepe" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"NewsSting" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
"Voltaic" Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 License
http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/
Tango de Manzana" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)
License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/)
SOUND EFFECTS from https://www.freesound.org
EPISODE 201 — TRANSCRIPT
Season 2 Episode 1 “So Now What?”
OVERLAPPING NEWS REPORTS
NEWSCASTER 1: The art world and the entertainment industry collided this week when the identity of *pffft* the elusive street artist called The New Banksy was finally revealed….
NEWSCASTER 2: Our sources confirm that *pffft* goes by the name Carlötta Beautox. This real-life Borat has been masquerading in recent years as a…
NEWSCASTER 3: …her trolling of the entertainment industry has been hailed as a performance art masterpiece by the American Association of…
NEWSCASTER 1: Posing in plain site as a wanna-be actress, dog walker, and waitress, *pfffft* or Carlotta Beautox as she is known…
NEWSCASTER 2: …she has not been seen since her bold appearance at a Khloe Kardashian event where she sabotaged the festivities with her…
NEWSCASTER 3: …and has apparently gone into hiding. Is it all part of an elaborate game? Another piece in an epic performance art installment?
NEWSCASTER 1: So where in the world is Carlötta Beautox? Come out, come out, wherever you are *pfffft*
CARLÖTTA VO: It’s been 3 days, 3 torturous days, since I became famous and the truth is starting to hit me: this is all a case of mistaken identity! I’m not this famous artist everyone thinks I am. Whatever am I going to do?
THEME SONG
CARLÖTTA VO: Diary my dear, literally overnight I went from total obscurity to hugely famous and to be honest it’s been more than I can handle. 3 days later, I’m still trending on Twitter, and my Instagram followers are over a million. It’s overwhelming! Plus, with my manager Dave off the grid, I’m dealing with it completely alone! Alone except for you, dear Diary.
PHONE RINGS
CARLÖTTA VO: Oh! It’s Dave calling from England. Finally, some real help! No offense, diary!
PHONE CLICK
CARLÖTTA: Dave! Oh, thank God, I’ve been trying to reach you for like 3 days. Where have you been?
DAVE: Carlotta! I’m so sorry, we had an aphid infestation in the hedgerow labyrinth and the haberdasher messed up my Bespoke bowling shoe order.
CARLÖTTA: Ok, you just said a bunch of words and I don’t know any of them. What time is it over there?
DAVE: Time? Let’s see, it’s like 8:30pm.
CARLÖTTA: 8:30pm? That’s what time it is here.
DAVE: Oh, sorry, I um…meant…it’s like 8:30pm plus 8, carry the one, add the exchange rate…
CARLÖTTA: It must be the middle of the night there.
DAVE: YES! Good call, it IS the middle of the night and I couldn’t sleep so…
CARLÖTTA: Dave! You have to come back. I can’t do this on my own. The building has been surrounded by paparazzi and I haven’t been outside in 3 days. I don’t know how to do this. I’ve run out of food…I’m living on tic tacs and iceberg lettuce (no dressing of course).
DAVE: That’s your normal diet.
CARLÖTTA: Not the point, plus, I’ve run out of water!
DAVE: How could you run out of water? Just go to the sink.
CARLÖTTA: I’ve run out of La Croix water, ok?
DAVE: La Croix? That crap’s a liquid hate crime.
CARLÖTTA: Not the point! I can’t survive. I need my manager slash landlord! When are you coming back?
DAVE: Listen, I gotta be honest…I’m not sure I am. I got it pretty sweet over here. Lawn bowling, gin and tonics, and all the cucumber sandwiches I can choke down.
CARLÖTTA: You hate cucumber. They make you belch.
DAVE: Yeah, it’s more like mouth-farting but aside from that, life is sweet. So for me to come back would take…I dunno…
CARLÖTTA: Begging?
DAVE: Mm…
CARLÖTTA: Pleading?
DAVE: Getting warmer.
CARLÖTTA: Groveling?
DAVE: Warmer.
CARLÖTTA: How about upping your fee to 30%?
DAVE: You should answer the door. There’s someone knocking.
CARLÖTTA: No one’s knocking on my….
KNOCKING AT DOOR
CARLÖTTA: Oh! There’s someone knocking at the door!
FOOTSTEPS AND DOOR OPEN
DAVE: Ta-da!
CARLÖTTA: Dave!
DAVE: 30% it is!
CARLÖTTA: How did you get here so fast…I mean, we were just on the phone!
MUSIC TRANSITION
CARLÖTTA: VO: Diary, Dave and I spent hours catching up on everything, including his decision to come back to America.
CARLÖTTA: I thought your grandmother was like 106 and about to die and you were going to inherit an entire country estate.
DAVE: That’s what I thought. My grandmother’s lawyer misled me.
(FLASHBACK)
DAME PICKLES: (laughs) Oh no, David, you nimby bonge-biscuit you, I’m not 106!
DAVE: But Barrister Moistenminge the 4th said that...
DAME PICKLES: I’m just 86. A mere sprite of a girl. My mother is 106.
DAVE: Your mother?
DAME PICKLES The elder Dame Pickles, your great-grandmimzie. We keep her in the attic. She’s mostly lint and sandwich crumbs these days but the old girl just keeps ticking.
(END FLASHBACK)
DAVE: I don’t need to wait 20 years to become a lord…I realized that I’m already a lord…I’m a landlord here in Van Nuys, California! And I got a tenant who needs me.
CARLÖTTA: Wow Dave, I’m really touched.
DAVE: I was talking about the guy in 412. Been texting me for weeks about a clogged toilet.
CARLÖTTA VO: So, diary, this was great. Dave was back for at least 20 years! With my support system intact, I was ready to tackle this fame thing and my first public appearance was on the books. The trendy pop culture talk show: Pillow and Willow.
NIGEL PILLOW: I’m Nigel Pillow, former editor of Film Comment Magazine and now I do this.
WILLOW DINGE: And I’m Willow Dinge, former critic of nail gels. Coming up next, the very first interview anywhere with the elusive artist formerly known as *pffft* and currently known as Carlötta Beautox.
NIGEL PILLOW: We’ll be talking with her about anarchy, art…
WILLOW DINGE: …and all things Kardashian. It’s coming up right after the break so stick around.
CARLÖTTA: I’m freaking out Dave!
DAVE: Jesus, me too! Look at this Green Room…it isn’t even green. Why do they call them green rooms? It’s disconcerting…
CARLÖTTA: Can you please focus on me! I’m starting to get nervous. I’ve never been on TV before. I was always fired before we shot anything.
DAVE: Relax! Just remember to be yourself out there.
CARLÖTTA: Well that’s the point, I can’t be myself! If I’m myself then everyone will know I’m not this world-famous artist. I’ll be exposed as a fraud faster than you can say Milli Vanilli.
DAVE: Wake up. Haven’t you noticed?
This is the decade of the fraud! Fakes, posers, charlatans? People have been eating it up since 2016!
P.A. Ms. Beautox, they’re ready for you on set.
CARLÖTTA: Wish me luck.
DAVE: OK, hashtag don’t fuck up!
CARLÖTTA: Thanks. Couldn’t you go with the more traditional “break a leg”?
ENTERTAINMENT SHOW BUMPER
NIGEL PILLOW: Tonight, only on Pillow and Willow: She is the mysterious performance artist, anarchist, and vandal who first burst on the scene with her bold graffiti tag of Stonehenge.
WILLOW DINGE: Since then *pffft* has been destroying landmarks the world over, captivating admirers along the way.
NIGEL PILLOW: But lately she’s turned her focus to vandalizing pop culture icons.
WILLOW DINGE: Yay, ‘cause that’s way more interesting. And tonight, Willow and Pillow has her.
NIGEL PILLOW: The name of our show is Pillow and Willow.
WILLOW DINGER: Whatever. For the first time, *pffft* speaks. Let’s turn now to this brilliant disrupter and hear from her in her own words. Go on. Say something.
CARLÖTTA: Ummmm…(nervous laugh)
NIGEL PILLOW: Before we dive in, tell us: do you prefer *pfffft* or Carlötta?
CARLÖTTA: Ummmmm…..
NIGEL PILLOW: Well bravo to you for your refusal to commit because when it comes down to it, what is a name?
WILLOW DINGE: It’s just a label, that’s all it is. Labels don’t mean anything.
CARLÖTTA: Ummmm….
NIGEL PILLOW: Well sometimes they do. Like when I label myself as a Pulitzer prize nominated film critic and you label yourself as a judge of nail gels. That means something.
WILLOW DINGE: Whatever.
NIGEL PILLOW: Turning to your art now. Graffiti art.
As Andy Warhol once said, “Art is anything you can get away with.” Your thoughts?
WILLOW DINGE: I think Billy Eilish said that.
NIGEL PILLOW: I wasn’t asking you for your thoughts. And anyhow it was Warhol.
WILLOW DINGE: Billy Eilish.
NIGEL PILLOW: Warhol.
WILLOW DINGE: Eilish. Final say. No take backs. Ok, let’s talk shoes. You did this whole performance art thingy by spray painting a pair of cheap shoes to look like Louboutins. Then, you tracked paint all over Khloe Kardashian’s house.
NIGEL PILLOW: Can you say a few words about your stunning take down of that the iconic luxury brand?
WILLOW DINGE: And also what it was like to trash Khloe Kardashian’s house. Because that seems like fun.
NIGEL PILLOW: It was so outside your normal oeuvre, can you speak to that?
CARLÖTTA: Ummm…
NIGEL PILLOW: Because I have a theory, and if you’ll indulge me, I think that what you were doing was actually engaging in a virtual dismantling of a consumerist society by…
WILLOW DINGE: I must interrupt, ok? She knew it would trend and like, that’s why she did it.
NIGEL PILLOW: Well, yes, as a by-product but these biomorphic footprint abstractions were really an expression of the need for…
WILLOW DINGE: You’re tripping, Nigel. No one even knows what you’re saying.
CARLÖTTA VO: Dearest Diary, my very first TV appearance, I was so completely panicked about it, but it seemed like it was going ok. So long as these 2 nimrods fighting, I could keep my mouth shut. Before I even knew it…
NIGEL PILLOW: Well I’m afraid that’s about all the time we have Ms. Beautox. Your insights on art and fashion and life are positively surreal.
WILLOW DINGE: What he said. So real.
NIGEL PILLOW: You are a true genius.
CARLÖTTA VO: …before I knew it…it was over.
SHOW THEME SONG
DAVE: You did great!
CARLÖTTA: But I couldn’t have said more than 5 words.
DAVE: Technically, you said 2 words and a bunch of “um”s.
CARLÖTTA: Good God, that’s awful.
DAVE: It doesn’t matter what you think. It only matters what Twitter thinks and it thinks you’re fantastic! Look: “Carlötta Beautox is a genius”, “I heart Carlötta”, there’s even a hashtag for fans: #Beautox Nation.
CARLÖTTA: Fans?
DAVE: So many fans. Here’s one: “Carlötta Beautox is a fraud.” Oh, let’s forget that one.
CARLÖTTA: A fraud? Who said that?
DAVE: Just someone called Carlötta Fauxtox. Doesn’t matter. Haters gonna hate. The overwhelming response is positive. You’re a hit! A media darling. Now, it’s time to capitalize on it.
CARLÖTTA: I don’t know, Dave, my imposter syndrome is fierce today.
DAVE: Maybe because you are an actual imposter.
CARLÖTTA: Not helping!
FAN: Ms. Beautox! Ms. Beautox! Can I get an autograph?
CARLÖTTA: Oh! This is a first. What should I write?
DAVE: Maybe your name?
CARLÖTTA: Oooooo! Great idea.
SIGNS AUTOGRAPH
FAN: Love you Carlötta!
CARLÖTTA: Mwah!
DAVE: Thank you, now if you’ll give Ms. Beautox some space.
CARLÖTTA: You’re a good manager, Dave. Even though, you know, you sometimes aren’t there when I need you, you sometimes say the wrong thing,
DAVE: I feel like there’s a “but” coming…
CARLÖTTA: …and sometimes you dress really tacky, and sometimes you talk with your mouth full…
DAVE: A “but”…it feels like we’re really, really close.
CARLÖTTA: But when it comes down to it. You’re ok.
DAVE: Thank you. Thank you. You know, since I am managing the hottest new celebrity in America, I’ve been thinking…
CARLÖTTA: That’s amazing!
DAVE: …that wasn’t the end of the sentence. I’ve been thinking dot dot dot about expanding. Opening my own agency. Taking on new clients.
CARLÖTTA: Oh, but what about me?
DAVE: You will always be my number one, Carlötta. But we gotta start thinking bigger. Imagine if we have a stable of creative talent like directors, writers, we could package projects for you. Things you could act in or even produce.
CARLÖTTA: Wow, that actually seems like a sound business strategy, Dave. Did you just pull this out of your ass?
DAVE: Nah, it’s been up there a while now. Say, what do you think of the title: “Aristocracy Management—We’ll Treat You Like Royalty.”
CARLÖTTA: I think, Lord Dave, that is a brilliant plan.
CARLÖTTA VO: So diary, I had my manager back and we had a plan. Between Dave and me, this fame thing is gonna be a total no-brainer. I can feel it. Toodles and until next time!